Past Attempts

… I never asked for your bravery
Your body
Your pretense
Or your pardon
I only asked for your truth
Sitting at the base of it all.

Lay Back

Lay against me

Honey clear skin

Like nothing I’ve ever seen

Rest against me

And know I’ve got you

Drap me in the necessity

Of your close proximity

Let the nerves

Bounce between us

As I trace your skin

Let my fingertips

Memorize this day

This moment

Where we are here together

In silence

And I can smell

The inside ofyour neck

Pure and intoxicating

I want nothing more

Than to spread you open

And drink you in

Tongan wet

Samoan more

But for now

I’ll exist here

In this space

You rested against a heart

Beating to love you

Wanted and afraid

But yours nonetheless

Mutual Bonds

I believe it is pertinent to be self-involved. I believe that exploring the natural occurences within one’s self is necessary to be self-aware. How much we know about ourselves will always directly affect our relationships with others no matter the capacity.

Admittedly, I was upset today. I found out someone I thought I was particularly close too, married. I know that I have a sense of friendship that most, according to culture and age,  do not share. I believe wholeheartedly that a friend can ascend to a familia type bond through intimacy and understanding. I do not practice the belief that family has to be held higher in regard to friends. This belief, however, is practical in theory and function for me because I do not practice the abused art of befriending every person I meet.

I have people I am partial to. People I adore. People I will party with, occasionally. People whose opinions I respect. all of which aren’t actually my friends.

This person, though, was absolutely my friend. Someone who after an argument I fully expected to pick up where we left off. But today that asumption was usurped by the very strong reality of our situation.

I wish I weren’t affected. I wish I could remove the sense of bewilderment plaguing my concentration. Don’t misunderstand my hurt for anger. I’m not angry. Angry is me throwing in someone’s face what I’ve done for them in hopes they appreciate me. Angry is me brandishing your insecurities in your face in hopes of bribing enough consideration for the fact that you were accepted unconditionally. Angry is me reminding you of every bad desicion you’ve made in hopes that you see how much my opinion and good sense will benefit you in the future. Angry makes it about me. And, this, is certainly not about me.

This is about the desicision made to exclude me for undisclosed reasons. Reasons, I may never know, let alone understand. I could waste my time bemoaning the fact that my friend, someone I akin to family, left me out of one of the biggest steps in life but instead I will choose to congratulate you and your new bride. I will choose to wish you all the best future possible. Instead, I will accept my choice to befriend someone who did not hold me in the same regard as I held them. I will not be ashamed of opening my heart to the idea of friendship; the idea of love; the idea of chosen family. I will raise my glass to the newlyweds and nod in the sincerest wishes of well.

Friendship is an investment. Similar to any romantic relationship, you take a risk whenever you put trust into another person for any reason. I could very well say that being hurt by someone is reason enough to choose not to open yourself to anyone else. But, as with any investment, scared money will never win.

Happy Birthday to me

I wrote this 7 years ago.

2003-01-13 11:14:11

Happy Birthday to me

24. I have been on vacation officially for a week now and I have another whole week to go. I heard from 4 people yesterday. 2 of which were my Mom and my Sister, 1 was a co worker I was not surprised to hear from since he had added me as a contact the day before and the other was of course D. Thats it. I received a call from 1 other person but they left no message sent no email and when I tried calling back there was no answer. I called 3 times. Not sure what that was about. Am I sad? Should I be? With hopes of notoverdramatizing I will say really it was just another day. Would I have loved to have done something? Yes. Did I do anything? No. I sat at home the entire day, not that that was what I wanted to do, that was the only thing available to do.

If you know me today without the back story you may be fooled into thinking I don’t know the darker side of human emotion. At the time when I wrote the entry above, I was so depressed that I knew if I made it to my 25th birthday, I wouldn’t make it long pass it.

7 years later I have a testimony. 7 years later I only hold up in the house when I want to, not because I believe there is no other option. 7 years later sure I have more calls and more e-mails but whats important is that I have me. I spent those days sulking over what I didn’t have instead of appreciating what I did. I spent too much time focused on what I lacked rather than focusing on what was in my power and making life happen.

I have still have some growing to do. I’m human. Because I’m human, I still have bad days. But I don’t let those days negate all the support and love that surrounds me.

I sat in a room full of bright, young, talented, intelligent individuals as we motivated and well-wished one another. While I’m locked in my room working on my books, poetry, magazines, or businesses, its not a void of dread that I feel. Its not a relentless seed of doom or failure. I feel empowered. Instead of lamenting what isn’t in my position, I remind myself that all I have to do is work harder to get what I want.

Bad days exist. My power rests in what I choose to do with those days. My 25th birthday has long since passed. I don’t sit and wait on people to call or days to die. Now, I awake to days that offer the privilege of life and a phone that makes outgoing calls just as easily as it accepts incoming.

Happy festival of birth, indeed.

The Right Thing

Why do we not strive to be better people? I’m not speaking spirituality here. Religion has not cornered the market on good people. I am speaking of a daily exercise in choice and restraint and justice.

While driving in pouring rain this morning I was talking to my mom. She was telling me about the message she was receiving while listening to TD Jakes. The CD was Alone but not Lonely. She was questioning why she was still alone? She was asking what she needed to change to be sent a mate? Loneliness is something we all grapple with but in my mom’s case, I think it is likened to having a terminal disease.

her questions center around why isn’t she worthy of being in a relationship with someone else who is worthy? She said she doesn’t know what it is that she needs to change. I told her that she knows the difference between right and wrong so focus on working on the wrong behavior regardless of the reward for doing so.

“But I don’t know which to change?”

“Change them all.”

“Change what?”

“Ma, you know the difference between right and wrong. What are you doing that’s wrong?”

“I curse, I drink, I smoke but…”

“Start with those things. Change those.”

“I can’t change those. Why I gotta be perfect to have somebody? All these other people out here got somebody and they not perfect.”

“You will never be perfect either. The first thing to work on is looking at other people and what they have…”

“I’m too old for that. Its not like I’m having sex,” (cringe). “…or anything like that. I’m not killing nobody. I need something to do so I won’t lose my mind.”

We struggle with our own sum total of parts to find purpose in this life. Regardless of spirituality, personal montra or philosophy we all have an idea of right and wrong (barring any mental instabilities). What is the link that affords us the thinking that it is only beneficial to walk the right path if there is a pot of gold at the end?

I’m told not everyone can be as righteous as me. I don’t see myself as being righteous at all. I have demons. I have a very bad anger issue and I’m selfish to a fault but wouldn’t letting those things set me back be the ultimate #fail on my existence?

I don’t forgive because it the Godly thing to do. I forgive because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t choose to give the 10.00 in change back that I was erroneously handed, I give it back because it’s not mine. It doesn’t matter that the person next to me may get the same extra change and choose to keep it. It doesn’t matter that the person I forgave may choose to hurt me again, it was my choice to forgive them. I didn’t forgive them because the outcome, not being hurt again, was guaranteed.

If these reactions that we absorb ourselves in become the precursor to our choices, do we not dilude the very righteousness we hope to attain? If I cannot make a step without securing a safe path will I ever really go anywhere?

I don’t believe in God because my mom tells me too or because its the status quo. I believe in God for the trials and tribulations I believe he pulled me through. His existence is wrapped in my belief of his actions in my life. I follow what I believe to be the priniciples set in my heart by God because I choose to do so not because I fear hell if I don’t.

We persecute others when they follow a path we deem filthy or “bad”. What makes it bad is usually the consequences at stake from the choices being made. But how is that any different from someone who’s choices are outwardly filtered for public consumption when in their heart they seek the same outcome as the person on the filthy path? Where is the line?

My mom doesn’t want to live the rest of her life alone. But, she also doesn’t want to invest the effort it may take to change destructive habits that she’s piled-up over a lifetime. So what is the right thing to do?

Right and wrong, good and bad are all relative terms that give us the verbal ability to express acceptable, constructive and productive behavior compared to unacceptable, deconstructive, and unproductive behavior. Where we see the lines really come down to the effects they have on our lives. I don’t think the lesson my mom is learning has anything at all to do with finding a mate but whether you believe in God or the stars, something has lead her path to a crossroads and finding a mate is simply the motivation for the most productive choice.

She can choose to ignore it. We can choose to ignore it. the little voice egging us on, pushing us to do whats inherent, what’s “right”. We hate the responisbility, we hate the dedication and the effort it requires but our feelings about the choice has no consequence on the choice itself. It is apart of us. Ignoring it, abhoring it, loathing or lamenting it only affects us in the outcome. So we can make excuses for not doing it. We can say it’d be easier to be worse people but standing at the crossroads, searching for an outcome we both know, the right thing, once exposed to it, once encompassed or touched by it, is hauntingly inevitable because the wrong thing may be easier but the only the right will truly make you happy.

Retrospect

I saw transformers last night and it was great. I was quite impressed, I didn’t think I would be as pleased as I was.

I have become fixated with Little People, Big World.  I don’t know why it soothes me, like I’m touched by their family and interaction. Could be some wishful thinking issues surfacing, I guess? But thinking about being 3 feet shorter and adapting to the world will take the most stable person there.

I think I’m settling into the whole business thing not working out. It’s a temporary set back. I’ll still publish for local authors part time, build my credit score some more and hope no one else opens the shop I want to open before I improve the necessary areas.

I feel it. It’s there. I want it and my disappointment stems from not being able to accomplish the goals I have in mind. What makes it easier is realizing that the goal is always attainable even if not when I expected or previously planned it to be accomplished.

Now the task becomes finding a job. I have a couple of jobs in line, just waiting on the start dates but the pay is not even half what I was making before. I was asked if I regret leaving my previous company and I don’t. I mean, you will have bs no matter where you go but I would rather tolerate honest bs than illegal bs disguised as corporate customer service.

On that note, when you are agreeing to anything over the phone or before you sign anything please, PLEASE read the fine print and LISTEN to the disclosures, it just may save your peace of mind in the end.

Melodramatic is out and going strong. I think its defienitely the best collection of poetry I’ve done yet. Not bragging of course, but thats saying something. It’s also going to be the last for a while. My next few releases will be novels, a collection of essays and a collection of short stories but that’s off in the distant future (unless I get bored) so we’ll focus on Melodramtic for now.

At any rate, I’ve rambled on enough for now, I’m headed to my room to watch the sun come up. Thankfully there is always a brighter side to every day. Thankfully.