Apologies & Applesauce

I guess what I am learning along this journey is that love isn’t about what you receive, it’s about what you give. But for that love to be healthy, to be balanced, you have to love some one who has that same understanding. Otherwise, you tread dangerous territory and risk losing yourself by giving too much with no balance, no reciprocation to keep you upright.

We are not people who are meant to be alone. We made to give of ourselves. Vulnerability is difficult because when given freely, to the right person, it sets you up for a bond that can be described by mortal words. The reward is indeed greater than the risk.

When we begin to fear that our love is returned, that our vulnerability is in vain, that fear can be paralyzing. How we respond to that fear can make or break a relationship. It’s built that way. Some relationships need not survive the test. But, there are those that do. But, it absolutely take two people coming together and deciding the worth of that investment.

I do not blame love for pain. I do not believe love hurts or that love abuses. Love just is. People are the carriers. We masquerade our actions as love but love exists without action. In some cases without recognition. We can fight it. We can ignore it but dwells. What we pass on is our reaction to love. What we give people is our response to loving them. Our excitement, our fear, our frustration, our cheer, our exuberance. These are our responses.

Hopefully we’re responsible enough to be aware of how we carry and respond to love. Moreover, prayerfully we have people who choose to understand us enough to see through our responses. Love is an investment. It can be a calculated gamble. Some of us get high off the gamble alone. It doesn’t matter what the actual cost or the dividend, it’s the chase of the high. Some of us just want the security. Some of us want the complete pay off.

However you see it, I encourage us all to be brave enough to fight for what matters. Within ourselves and those we love.

 

Lay Back

Lay against me

Honey clear skin

Like nothing I’ve ever seen

Rest against me

And know I’ve got you

Drap me in the necessity

Of your close proximity

Let the nerves

Bounce between us

As I trace your skin

Let my fingertips

Memorize this day

This moment

Where we are here together

In silence

And I can smell

The inside ofyour neck

Pure and intoxicating

I want nothing more

Than to spread you open

And drink you in

Tongan wet

Samoan more

But for now

I’ll exist here

In this space

You rested against a heart

Beating to love you

Wanted and afraid

But yours nonetheless

It was not hard to say goodbye

So my ten year class reunion is in two months. I have not settled on a feeling about this yet. I wanna say I don’t care about any of these people but quite frankly if that were true, I wouldn’t be going.

Although the ones I like most I already talk too, there are a couple I’m curious about. I wanna see where people ended up, see how they’re doing, see how life looks on them as adults. But that word is the problem. Adults. I knew these people as a child. I did not so nice things to some of them and I don’t have enough sense to feel apologetic. But, have they grown enough to let it go? Will we walk into this thing still looking at each other as the eighteen year olds we were ten years ago?

Probably. I can think of a theory of knowledge class sitting at my desk doing a poor job of minding my own business when my arch-nemisis told the class I had no morals. Mind you this was only weeks after sporting around a positive pregnancy test in her purse to prove to these numskulls she was really pregnant. And quite frankly a part of me is still a little bitter. Not bitter enough to be hostile but bitter enough to still remember.

Children make mistakes. Unfortunately the mistakes of children can gravely effect the identity of forming adults. A part of me still wants to know what did I do that brought such a mind to such a far-left conclusion. But the majority of me says fuck it. One person’s opinion has never made me or broke me, let it go.

High School was great. I can not recite the table of elements in alphabetical order but I can tell you the best way to skip fourth period and not get caught. (Seriously, how did we graduate?) Drama is a part of growing up. The main lesson you should learn from it is how to stay clear of it; more importantly how to identify and separate.

I wasn’t perfect. And given I had more responsibility than most my age, I still found time to doddle in childlike issues. Now I can look back at the days and reminisce instead of finding lingering remnants of my present.

Hopefully we are all far removed. Hopefully we take this opportunity to reunite and learn each other as adults. See each other in a more constructive light and rejoice in how far we’ve come.

If not, at least I get to beat them at spades one more time.

Da Evil Won.

Now Live AD

We are cruel, Love is not.

Reflecting on a few years back.

 

After the Fight


I can barely sleep
With discontent on my heart
With you on my mind
Guilt in the air
And fault roaming the streets blind
 
Tossing with every other breath
Counting the seconds
Between thoughts of you
Waiting to start
 
Turning over intentions
Flipping through reasons
Not to call you
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
 
Seeing the look on your heart
When my words slapped you in the face
Watching you swallow the sword
That cut every inch of me away from you
 
Rehearsing my apology
That will never see life
Inhaling fear filled air
Polluting my thoughts
With forgive-me-nots
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
 
My dreams of us
Are turning into nightmares of I
-N-C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-and
 
Now I can’t breathe
 
I’m gasping for air
I need your hand
To put out this fire
That’s raging in my soul
 
We were too close together
To be this far apart
And without you I am suffering
 
3rd degree burns to my pride
2nd degree assault on my conscience
And you have been found guilty
On 1 count of breaking my heart
AGAIN
 
These white walls
All show me you
On different days
In different styles
 
I can almost taste you in the air
I can feel your fingerprints on my skin
I can smell your disgust a mile away
And not even my dreams
Can tell me what good this life would be
Without you
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
Because I can not think of anything else
But you
 


© Dew 2002
**************************************************

Still reflecting…

Life Before You

There were…
No tears

No confusion
There was acceptance of who I was
And what I was notUntil I met you

 
Forgot to be comfortable with myself
I became addicted to your words of encouragement
Became intoxicated with your touch
Your smile
Your way of leading me not to care
For anything but you
 
Had to be reminded
There was life before you
 
Of course you never requested that I put you first
You only implied
And I can’t blame you
I can only move on
 
Separating myself from thoughts of you
Picking up the pieces
Putting away the toys
We once enjoyed
Mainly pieces of my broken heart
Parts of a friendship gone cold
 
Remembering to place my faith back in God
 
Focusing once again on who it was I aimed to be
Concentrating on loving me again
Taking road trips within myself
To regain the confidence you broke
 
Breaking away
 
Back to peace
Back to understanding
 
Life before you became that apple
The windows to my soul craved
 
There was life before you
And even though without you
I thought apart of me died
 
There will be life after you
Little did I know
The heart of me survived
 
Revived with words of hope
From those around me
Who wanted to see me cope
 
And I’ll always remember you
The good and the bad
 
It’s just sad
We could not catch common ground
 
Though today I sit wound
In a lesson
That I owe all to strife
 
But never again
No not ever again
Will I put you before life© Dew 2002

************************************************

 

I was reading my first collection of poetry, Scared, earlier and was reminded how emotional that time was for me. It’s funny that as evolved as I choose to think I am, the poetry I write today still refers to the same person, just not as angry. It’s okay to love someone. It’s even okay if they don’t love you back. The struggle is in letting go of the resentment and not taking it personal. Which is so much easier said than done. We all have preferences. I like sage jimmy dean sausage as opposed to regular. I don’t like spicy anything. And, I would much rather you have a lil hair or at least stubble than have no hair at all. I like Playstation, losers like Xbox, I wish I was joking. But, no matter your preference, it is your choice. 

The worse feeling is to feel completely overlooked by someone who you have invested so much emotion into. That’s when the helplessness sets in. That’s when its time to do some self-evaluating. Know who you are and what you have to offer. If you recognize things that are not appealing make the decision to change them or accept them. Then move on. 

I’m one to talk, I know, but not being with the person who has my heart doesn’t really make me sad anymore. I use that emotion as inspiration. I’ll stop rambling now. I think you get the point. 

Lost

A few months ago a friend, who I have known since I was 5, up and disappeared. I don’t mean someone I knew of, someone I saw around, I mean someone whose parents considered me a second child. I mean someone who when I was homeless gave me a place to stay. I mean a Friend, with the capital F. As we got older we didn’t talk as much. She really only called when she needed a hiding place from all the drama in her life but I always knew where she was and how she was doing. 

Sometime around August or September I noticed it had been longer than the customary 2 month period since I heard from her. So naturally I called her. Number disconnected. So I went to her house. Looked like no one lived there. But she never stayed home long so that wasn’t really a shocker. And her phone bill got paid when she felt like it, so it being disconnected was no big deal either. 

What was a surprise was one of her friends who she communicates with on a regular basis tracked me down and asked if I had heard from her. That’s when I got nervous. At this point, I’m like what can I do? Well after some very fine investigating we find out she skyyed up with some young chap in Greenville, changed her numbers and basically cut herself off from us. 

I should mention she lost both of her parents within 2 years of each other and was an only child. She projected her need for love onto men she would meet online and I guess she found one that said exactly what she needed to hear. 

Friday, I was paying a bill when the clerk asked me if we had a mutual friend. I’m like who? She said her name and I just smiled. My bad smile not my good one, if you know me you know the one. I asked if she had talked to her, ready to pull information out of the stranger but she said she hadn’t. She told me the last she heard was that our friend had left the guy in Greenville to be with some guy in Chicago.

I wish her no ill-will. Oh, I was angry at first at why she would do this. I’m still a little angry but more than anything I am concerned. No matter what state she’s in or what man she’s with she’ll never find what she’s looking for until she finds herself.  

Nicole, I hope you’re safe. And, if or when you decide to come home, you have friends waiting.