Well shit. This is where I gather myself. I just saw something that says expect nothing… I don’t understand this. I don’t get this cowardly lion ass approach to going after nothing and swallowing your wants to serve your fear. Expect gahtdamn everything and appreciate what you end up with. What you earned. What you worked to have. Why is it all so backwards? Why are we so afraid to be accountable to our fucking feelings?? I do not understand this. Is the world full of 14 year olds, afraid to go for class president because it feels weird and my mates might laugh at me. Guess what, there is no might. They are going to laugh. But guess what? There will also be a room full of mates who will support you and cheer you on and those should be the people you push forward for. Those should be the ones who motivate you to say screw the laughers and naysayers because I’m brave enough to do what they won’t. And the ultimate gag is….Those supporters routing for you at some point and time may be nothing more than your heart and your personal drive. So be it. You keep pushing forward and watch the world catch up to you.
I finally met someone I like. Like in real life. And the one thing I want more than anything, she can’t give me. I am not in a space where I can afford to deliberate on what I can and cannot go without where a partner is concerned. I’m passed that. My last two relationships were with individuals who were unable to put me first, speak their feelings, or reciprocate care. I need it. I need to know how you feel. I need to know that you’re afraid. I need to know that in this moment you don’t know what you feel. I need to know you thought about cheating but did or didn’t. I need to know that you want me. Period. I cannot deal with the sole responsibility of deciphering your feelings so that you can remain committed to your fear and past pain. Nah, son. Not me. Not today.
You won’t fight for a person you see value in because why? Because you want them to fight for you. I’ve run this rodeo a thousand times, I know how much to collect at the door. Fighting is code word for catch feelings and own them. I know, I’m being a presumptuous asshole right now, but here’s the gag. I own it. I own my feelings and I stand behind them. I am putting myself out there. I am taking the leap. Because if for no other reason, it means I grow. I refuse, REFUSE I say, to remain stagnant because of fear. I am strong enough to recover. That begins with believing in me. And I believes in me.
Love is a word. We identify a certain group of feelings as love but it is so layered and so multifaceted that WE make it far more complicated than it has to be. We lock it into this ownership contract when really love is the most liberating and freeing feeling there is. We lock ourselves into this turmoil of do or don’t. This restrictive negotiation of will or won’t. That at its core is about fear. The fear of mortality. The fear of difference. The fear of change. The fear of hurt. The fear of letting go. The fear of inadequacy. The fear of vulnerability. All of these fear bottleneck, forcing what we call love to sit and fester at the bottom of our selves losing its depth and purpose. Yall, get over yourselves. Seriously. We’re losing life out here. We must do better.
I’m not in-love. But I want to be. I want to be free to fawn all over the love of my life, my partner, my bestfriend, my lover, my spades partner, my homie, my lego supplier, video game dealer, my Ross to my Rachel. But gahtdamn. Meet me halfway. I would not ever minimize someone else’s experiences. We go through what is painful to us and we have to find the best way to heal so we can move forward in life. The problem is some of us aren’t healing. We’re finding comfortable spots within the pain that don’t hurt so much and making our home there. We venture out just far enough to see the view then run back to hidey hole at the first sign of feeling anything. Anything. That’s not the wave ladies and gentlemen.
When you can no longer decipher between the feelings that hurt and the feelings the free, you’ve lost the whole of the point. And, quite frankly, you should expect better than that from yourself.