Well shit. This is where I gather myself. I just saw something that says expect nothing… I don’t understand this. I don’t get this cowardly lion ass approach to going after nothing and swallowing your wants to serve your fear. Expect gahtdamn everything and appreciate what you end up with. What you earned. What you worked to have. Why is it all so backwards? Why are we so afraid to be accountable to our fucking feelings?? I do not understand this. Is the world full of 14 year olds, afraid to go for class president because it feels weird and my mates might laugh at me. Guess what, there is no might. They are going to laugh. But guess what? There will also be a room full of mates who will support you and cheer you on and those should be the people you push forward for. Those should be the ones who motivate you to say screw the laughers and naysayers because I’m brave enough to do what they won’t. And the ultimate gag is….Those supporters routing for you at some point and time may be nothing more than your heart and your personal drive. So be it. You keep pushing forward and watch the world catch up to you.
I finally met someone I like. Like in real life. And the one thing I want more than anything, she can’t give me. I am not in a space where I can afford to deliberate on what I can and cannot go without where a partner is concerned. I’m passed that. My last two relationships were with individuals who were unable to put me first, speak their feelings, or reciprocate care. I need it. I need to know how you feel. I need to know that you’re afraid. I need to know that in this moment you don’t know what you feel. I need to know you thought about cheating but did or didn’t. I need to know that you want me. Period. I cannot deal with the sole responsibility of deciphering your feelings so that you can remain committed to your fear and past pain. Nah, son. Not me. Not today.
You won’t fight for a person you see value in because why? Because you want them to fight for you. I’ve run this rodeo a thousand times, I know how much to collect at the door. Fighting is code word for catch feelings and own them. I know, I’m being a presumptuous asshole right now, but here’s the gag. I own it. I own my feelings and I stand behind them. I am putting myself out there. I am taking the leap. Because if for no other reason, it means I grow. I refuse, REFUSE I say, to remain stagnant because of fear. I am strong enough to recover. That begins with believing in me. And I believes in me.
Love is a word. We identify a certain group of feelings as love but it is so layered and so multifaceted that WE make it far more complicated than it has to be. We lock it into this ownership contract when really love is the most liberating and freeing feeling there is. We lock ourselves into this turmoil of do or don’t. This restrictive negotiation of will or won’t. That at its core is about fear. The fear of mortality. The fear of difference. The fear of change. The fear of hurt. The fear of letting go. The fear of inadequacy. The fear of vulnerability. All of these fear bottleneck, forcing what we call love to sit and fester at the bottom of our selves losing its depth and purpose. Yall, get over yourselves. Seriously. We’re losing life out here. We must do better.
I’m not in-love. But I want to be. I want to be free to fawn all over the love of my life, my partner, my bestfriend, my lover, my spades partner, my homie, my lego supplier, video game dealer, my Ross to my Rachel. But gahtdamn. Meet me halfway. I would not ever minimize someone else’s experiences. We go through what is painful to us and we have to find the best way to heal so we can move forward in life. The problem is some of us aren’t healing. We’re finding comfortable spots within the pain that don’t hurt so much and making our home there. We venture out just far enough to see the view then run back to hidey hole at the first sign of feeling anything. Anything. That’s not the wave ladies and gentlemen.
When you can no longer decipher between the feelings that hurt and the feelings the free, you’ve lost the whole of the point. And, quite frankly, you should expect better than that from yourself.
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” – Pema Chodron
I understand that there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn here. I get that. Getting that however does not make it easier. I want to just be in my comfortable space and just say I fine where I am. But, the truth is I could not ever be ok being stagnant.
Never settle. No matter what. Never. Ever. Settle.
I do not deserve less because there’s more of me.
I honestly have been trying to write this post all day. It’s just not there. I’m tired. I’m so tired. And, it’s frustrating because all I can DO is be tired. I don’t get to vent. I don’t get to be told it’s ok. I only get, in this instance, to be tired.
The struggle is real. However it is not stronger. I gotta keep pushing forward. Growing regardless of the icky feelings that arise. Yes, I said icky. Judge me accordingly.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. So when something happens that makes no sense… I’m confused. I write about what I feel, what I see, what I hear from others, what I observe. I write about everything. However, not everything I write is specific to my life or experiences unless otherwise noted.
I’m all over the place today.
I hate feeling censored.
I like to believe that you can talk to anyone. You can reason with anyone. You can appeal to anyone. But, it seems that is just not the case.
I am feeling lately like the best course of action is to just keep everything to myself. I see where part of it is a healthy response to unknown variables. The other part of that is just avoidance.
I’m so over drama. I don’t miss it.
I have so much to be thankful for.
I didn’t look up at that moment, to those eyes, for no reason. But, why?
I hate how I felt this weekend. I tried something new but I felt horrible about it. I felt so….inadequate. And it had nothing to do with the people I was with. It was all me. It was all about how I felt so out of my element. So…undesirable.
Like I told Feisty the other day, I’m working on every aspect of myself. And, I’m still not feeling…the way I should. Whatever “should” is. She says I just want a gf. I’m not sure that’s it though. I refuse to waste energy on investing in someone else for ill gains. If they can’t see my value then they don’t deserve it. Maybe that’s it though? Maybe I’m afraid I’m not going to attract the person who will see it?
I don’t know.
All I can do is keep moving forward. Keep focusing on my goals and increasing my awesome factor. You either get or you don’t. He’ll make sure I have what I’m s’posed to.
Laid out like a paraplegic
Everybody can tell me what’s supposed to happen.
How I should feel
Just keep quiet. Just keep moving the sound bites around and look down at the sidewalk. Keep your head. Hold your emotions. In.
Everybody can tell me what’s supposed to happen.
Everybody can tell me that love comes and goes.
That you’re special and this is just a thing.
That life is ever changing and things can be unpredictable.
See why I’m stuck in a paradigm.
This movement of non sense.
It all stopped.
All I really want to do is scream
and be heard.
It all stopped.
I can take the silence.
I can deal with the heavy lips with too much rage to speak.
I can exist in this place of limbo and languish
As long as I know
I will walk again.
Why is expression such a bad thing when we have so many ways to express ourselves these days? You can’t befriend people, you can only “friend” people. It’s absolutely maddening. How are you supposed to navigate the treacherous waters of unfamiliar to get a place of association?
Am I supposed to feel bad because I don’t mind opening up? Because purging the useless emotions we can dredge around can cause illness and I’m not here for that?
I see why we can’t be compassionate to one another. We have no clue how to first be compassionate with ourselves. Don’t trust people. Don’t talk to people. Don’t do this… or that… DaMN. What’s left. Asking someone how they’re doing is like accessing nuclear codes. God forbid, you ask for something more personal like place of employment… or AGE! You’re obviously trying to steal their identity.
Holding stuff in is such a frikking burden for me. But the consequences behind poor timing or being deemed inappropriate are to much to risk these days. And why?
Because we’re all betting scared money.
I don’t care enough about you to give you my cruelty. And make no mistake, you have to care entirely too much about something or someone to be cruel to them. Even if it comes naturally. Words come to me naturally but I still have to put thought into their order and design.
We always have a choice. Even if you are driven by the spite and anger, there is a moment just before your rage consumes you. Anyone who is not a psychopath has this moment. In this moment, you have a choice. You can falter to your superficial, insecure, rageful whims or you can pull back. You can pull back and find compassion for someone else and strength within your self. You can take that moment and choose to grow.
What we want and what we get do not always sync. How we respond to those let downs will create an atmosphere for creating more opportunities to get that synchronization to connect.
Choose to be nicer. Everything you want depends on it.