I’m not sure what I feel right now. The wee hours in the morning and I should be sleep but my heart… My heart is something. I don’t know what tho. My thoughts are all over the place. I think I need to cry. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. Or screamed. Or genuinely felt heard.
There is a haze of fear and insecurity that seems to be wrecking havoc on my mind. I don’t know what to do with that right now. I am trying not to shut down, keep pushing forward… I don’t know. I am a smart, funny, intriguing, desirable human being. I am worthy and valuable. I deserve and expect the best which is no less than I give.
Is that true? Am I giving my best? Am I accepting only the best?
I feel behind on everything. I feel so trapped in this body. I feel like there is so much road to travel and right now in this moment, I’m just too tired.
I’m done. We’ll try again tomorrow.
I keep pressing backspace. That should mean something but really all it means is that I don’t know. What to say, who to be, how to feel. I’m hoping for the best but preparing for nothing at all. I watched a dark sky fill with stars just before it disappeared. I’m dangling along the edges of treacherous waters, no life line. No sense. None of this makes sense. I’m anxious. I want. . . . Too much. Not enough? I’m tired of writing about relationships and trying and working towards and almost there. I’m tired. I. . . It’s always I. I’m rambling. I need to lose the weight. I’m tired of saying that. Really tired. Life stops until you can remind yourself you’re still a person. With feelings. Fat isn’t who you are. You don’t have to be what the world tells you are. Be who you want to be. Even if no one else approves. Just don’t give up. Do not give up. Remember that. Do not give up. Too many people believe in you to let them down. Right now that can be your anchor. Since you aren’t heavy enough. You’re a person, remember? One who’s been hurt. Heartbroken. Misled. Same book republished by You, Inc. Did your tears. Reset your heart. Make room for your muse. Take risks. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. The world can be a scary place. Go after what you want and allow it to catch you. You are a person not a monster. You are a work in progress. Blow kisses to your reflection and be.
I was lying there thinking about how the same circumstances 8 years ago would have overwhelmed me. The idea of being a leader. The idea of success. Now? Today? I don’t have the luxury of being overwhelmed. I want the life I feel inside. It haunts me. I can’t and won’t force it. But, I won’t sit dormant waiting to feel comfortable or for a right time that’ll never materialize. Today, I want it all. I want the love, the success, the education, the accomplishment, the position, the health – I want all of it. Why is it impossible? If I work for it. . . If I manage those things within my control effectively. . . If I am true to myself and those around me. . . If I step into my strengths with the commitment to be the best version of myself and into my weaknesses with the humility to improve, why would I be defeated?
I may be doing too much, but I’m just doing what feels right to and for me. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Scared money does not win. I gotta bet big or go home. So here I am. Out here taking it one step at a time in hopes that I am moving in the right direction to maximize my potential. This isn’t haphazard . This is a plan. I want the girl. The money. The achievements. The life. I want as much of it all as I can effectively manage.
I’m amazing. We are all amazing. All we have to do is tune out all the noise and focus on us. Who we are, what we genuinely want, and how to get it; we are predisposed- wired-to travel a specific set of roads that lead to our destination: our purpose. We get to choose the rate of speed, the direction, how much we carry as we go, even how far we want to go. It’s up to us. It’s time to stop making ourselves believe that it’s not.
Have a seat
Make yourself at home
Would it be OK if I ask you a thousand questions about
:Who you are
:Who you have been
:Who you hope to become
Tell me about a time that you met a stranger and let them inside
Tell me about a time you froze over with fear and somehow found the strength to keep pressing forward
Tell me about a time that hurt
Made you feel so torn down that air seemed worthless
Is this really the job you want
Revisiting old wounds like a murderer’s playpen
Can you invest in potential one last time
Do you have the resolve to see what’s in front of you
Without the haze of the past or the threat of what-if
The pay won’t be great.
It’ll be rough times with no acknowledgment
Arguments with no resolution
Guaranteed overtime at half the pay
It’s long hours and continuous demands
But in those moments
Those moment when you’re fed up and weary and tired and stressed
There’ll be a glimmer of hope in the form of “thank you,”
“I love you, ”
“You’re beautiful, ”
It’ll be up to you to decide
In those moments
If tomorrow is worth it
If clocking in one more time, every time makes sense
It’s up to you to re-engage
To make the choice for ever
marimopet : the quicker u come to terms with the fact that people change/grow and are complex and contradictory the less ur likely to set them to binaries ++save urself the false sense of deceit when they dont comply to ur preconceived notions of them. cool cheers
I was not playing when I said I would not be stepping out on another ledge for another individual. I meant that. Unless we are both standing on that ledge together for one another it’s not happening. I’m not chasing you. I don’t care how much we click or I like you. I’m not holding you hostage. I’m not convincing myself you’re the one. I’m not doing any of it. I am tired of people trying to suck me dry of my amazing for their own personal refresh. Reset that ass back to factory settings on your own effort. Not mine.
I am amazing. If you refuse to see that we could be amazing together, it’s not my job to convince you. I’m not Picasso. I’m not about to paint you a masterpiece or cry your ass a river so you can catch the hint. I let you in because I chose to. I made an investment in you because I saw how we could fit together. If your ass is non-compliant so be it. Take these demerits and find new employment. I can’t and won’t.
Nah, I’m lying. I absolutely can but i refuse. Yall got me fucked up. I’m a gahtdamn unicorn. If you wanna be outchea simple with ponies, have the fuck at it. I’m not mad cause you couldn’t get on my level. I’m disappointed you fail to realize you’re already there. However, do you homie.
Love and light.
Sometimes you just gotta wonder what’s the point. I tried. I jumped out there. I kept my triggers in check. I did what I knew to do. I won’t say I failed… Even though that’s how it feels.
I don’t know what I could have done differently without sacrificing completely what I need.
It’s not just about me though. I met someone I really liked and clicked with. I rearranged things. Get this: I talked on the phone. I EVEN woke up out my sleep. I thought I was investing. Maybe I… I won’t do that. I won’t say that.
I compromised. I want someone who’s into me and who can say that. Someone who is willing to deal with my extra. I’m really tired. I’m trying not to be. I’m trying to not falter to fear. It’s so difficult. And it often feels pointless. It always comes back to me being the villain. I know not always and I know it’s often skewed with past pain that has nothing to do with me but that doesn’t keep it from hurting. It doesn’t keep the disappointment at bay. It doesn’t keep me from wondering why is it OK to lash out at me as if my feelings don’t matter?
I do my best to be me. Unapologetically. I give people space to be who they are. I honestly don’t know what else to do. I deserve someone who can love me the way I need. Hell just like me. Tell me why. Tell me I’m cute. Tell me I’m funny. Talk to me. I’m human too. I matter, right? I refuse to apologize for being interested in who you are as a person. I gahtdamn refuse.
It’s love. Romantic entanglements. I try very hard to believe that I get to have that. One person. Just that one. But… Shit like this.. Who knows.
Well shit. This is where I gather myself. I just saw something that says expect nothing… I don’t understand this. I don’t get this cowardly lion ass approach to going after nothing and swallowing your wants to serve your fear. Expect gahtdamn everything and appreciate what you end up with. What you earned. What you worked to have. Why is it all so backwards? Why are we so afraid to be accountable to our fucking feelings?? I do not understand this. Is the world full of 14 year olds, afraid to go for class president because it feels weird and my mates might laugh at me. Guess what, there is no might. They are going to laugh. But guess what? There will also be a room full of mates who will support you and cheer you on and those should be the people you push forward for. Those should be the ones who motivate you to say screw the laughers and naysayers because I’m brave enough to do what they won’t. And the ultimate gag is….Those supporters routing for you at some point and time may be nothing more than your heart and your personal drive. So be it. You keep pushing forward and watch the world catch up to you.
I finally met someone I like. Like in real life. And the one thing I want more than anything, she can’t give me. I am not in a space where I can afford to deliberate on what I can and cannot go without where a partner is concerned. I’m passed that. My last two relationships were with individuals who were unable to put me first, speak their feelings, or reciprocate care. I need it. I need to know how you feel. I need to know that you’re afraid. I need to know that in this moment you don’t know what you feel. I need to know you thought about cheating but did or didn’t. I need to know that you want me. Period. I cannot deal with the sole responsibility of deciphering your feelings so that you can remain committed to your fear and past pain. Nah, son. Not me. Not today.
You won’t fight for a person you see value in because why? Because you want them to fight for you. I’ve run this rodeo a thousand times, I know how much to collect at the door. Fighting is code word for catch feelings and own them. I know, I’m being a presumptuous asshole right now, but here’s the gag. I own it. I own my feelings and I stand behind them. I am putting myself out there. I am taking the leap. Because if for no other reason, it means I grow. I refuse, REFUSE I say, to remain stagnant because of fear. I am strong enough to recover. That begins with believing in me. And I believes in me.
Love is a word. We identify a certain group of feelings as love but it is so layered and so multifaceted that WE make it far more complicated than it has to be. We lock it into this ownership contract when really love is the most liberating and freeing feeling there is. We lock ourselves into this turmoil of do or don’t. This restrictive negotiation of will or won’t. That at its core is about fear. The fear of mortality. The fear of difference. The fear of change. The fear of hurt. The fear of letting go. The fear of inadequacy. The fear of vulnerability. All of these fear bottleneck, forcing what we call love to sit and fester at the bottom of our selves losing its depth and purpose. Yall, get over yourselves. Seriously. We’re losing life out here. We must do better.
I’m not in-love. But I want to be. I want to be free to fawn all over the love of my life, my partner, my bestfriend, my lover, my spades partner, my homie, my lego supplier, video game dealer, my Ross to my Rachel. But gahtdamn. Meet me halfway. I would not ever minimize someone else’s experiences. We go through what is painful to us and we have to find the best way to heal so we can move forward in life. The problem is some of us aren’t healing. We’re finding comfortable spots within the pain that don’t hurt so much and making our home there. We venture out just far enough to see the view then run back to hidey hole at the first sign of feeling anything. Anything. That’s not the wave ladies and gentlemen.
When you can no longer decipher between the feelings that hurt and the feelings the free, you’ve lost the whole of the point. And, quite frankly, you should expect better than that from yourself.
I just wanna let my feelings out. But I hear that’s not the wave. No one cares how you feel. Not even the ones you’re caring for. How drab? How melodramatic of me. You have to separate the impulse from the thoughtful. The thoughtful from the overthinking. The overthinking from the obsession. I hope none of this ever makes sense. I hope you worries are light and fluffy, like pancake derivatives before the maple shakedown. I just wanna be loved. Where’s the fun in that? Not an encapsulated caricature of presupposed cliches but a bubble of possibility retro fitted with the perfect balance of yes and no, right and wrong, honesty and truth, this and that. They tell me I’m a dreamer. I don’t put space between my paragraphs. They may be right. I use commas to separate angst-never pause. I’m the anomaly no one explores. I’m just the right amount of not good enough mixed with weigh too much and it gets heavy trying to be ok. To be hopeful. Maybe one day I’ll find the right relapse looking to get sober off my brand of moonshine. Late night confessions poured over a spiced misconceptions, no ice. I stopped telling myself I would forever be alone because lies don’t care who tell them. Some dies though I wonder. If I can’t let it be without asking too much, saying too much, wanting more than what’s given, then how can these feelings ever get caught? I’m rambling. 3 am and I hear the silence ringing off another curious night. Wondering what’s out there. Waiting for the wave to crash around the lone dingy approaching off the shore. Through the fog. Like a whisper I should hear loud and clear.
In the distance.