I’m not sure what I feel right now. The wee hours in the morning and I should be sleep but my heart… My heart is something. I don’t know what tho. My thoughts are all over the place. I think I need to cry. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. Or screamed. Or genuinely felt heard.
There is a haze of fear and insecurity that seems to be wrecking havoc on my mind. I don’t know what to do with that right now. I am trying not to shut down, keep pushing forward… I don’t know. I am a smart, funny, intriguing, desirable human being. I am worthy and valuable. I deserve and expect the best which is no less than I give.
Is that true? Am I giving my best? Am I accepting only the best?
I feel behind on everything. I feel so trapped in this body. I feel like there is so much road to travel and right now in this moment, I’m just too tired.
I’m done. We’ll try again tomorrow.
I keep pressing backspace. That should mean something but really all it means is that I don’t know. What to say, who to be, how to feel. I’m hoping for the best but preparing for nothing at all. I watched a dark sky fill with stars just before it disappeared. I’m dangling along the edges of treacherous waters, no life line. No sense. None of this makes sense. I’m anxious. I want. . . . Too much. Not enough? I’m tired of writing about relationships and trying and working towards and almost there. I’m tired. I. . . It’s always I. I’m rambling. I need to lose the weight. I’m tired of saying that. Really tired. Life stops until you can remind yourself you’re still a person. With feelings. Fat isn’t who you are. You don’t have to be what the world tells you are. Be who you want to be. Even if no one else approves. Just don’t give up. Do not give up. Remember that. Do not give up. Too many people believe in you to let them down. Right now that can be your anchor. Since you aren’t heavy enough. You’re a person, remember? One who’s been hurt. Heartbroken. Misled. Same book republished by You, Inc. Did your tears. Reset your heart. Make room for your muse. Take risks. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. The world can be a scary place. Go after what you want and allow it to catch you. You are a person not a monster. You are a work in progress. Blow kisses to your reflection and be.
I was lying there thinking about how the same circumstances 8 years ago would have overwhelmed me. The idea of being a leader. The idea of success. Now? Today? I don’t have the luxury of being overwhelmed. I want the life I feel inside. It haunts me. I can’t and won’t force it. But, I won’t sit dormant waiting to feel comfortable or for a right time that’ll never materialize. Today, I want it all. I want the love, the success, the education, the accomplishment, the position, the health – I want all of it. Why is it impossible? If I work for it. . . If I manage those things within my control effectively. . . If I am true to myself and those around me. . . If I step into my strengths with the commitment to be the best version of myself and into my weaknesses with the humility to improve, why would I be defeated?
I may be doing too much, but I’m just doing what feels right to and for me. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Scared money does not win. I gotta bet big or go home. So here I am. Out here taking it one step at a time in hopes that I am moving in the right direction to maximize my potential. This isn’t haphazard . This is a plan. I want the girl. The money. The achievements. The life. I want as much of it all as I can effectively manage.
I’m amazing. We are all amazing. All we have to do is tune out all the noise and focus on us. Who we are, what we genuinely want, and how to get it; we are predisposed- wired-to travel a specific set of roads that lead to our destination: our purpose. We get to choose the rate of speed, the direction, how much we carry as we go, even how far we want to go. It’s up to us. It’s time to stop making ourselves believe that it’s not.
Have a seat
Make yourself at home
Would it be OK if I ask you a thousand questions about
:Who you are
:Who you have been
:Who you hope to become
Tell me about a time that you met a stranger and let them inside
Tell me about a time you froze over with fear and somehow found the strength to keep pressing forward
Tell me about a time that hurt
Made you feel so torn down that air seemed worthless
Is this really the job you want
Revisiting old wounds like a murderer’s playpen
Can you invest in potential one last time
Do you have the resolve to see what’s in front of you
Without the haze of the past or the threat of what-if
The pay won’t be great.
It’ll be rough times with no acknowledgment
Arguments with no resolution
Guaranteed overtime at half the pay
It’s long hours and continuous demands
But in those moments
Those moment when you’re fed up and weary and tired and stressed
There’ll be a glimmer of hope in the form of “thank you,”
“I love you, ”
“You’re beautiful, ”
It’ll be up to you to decide
In those moments
If tomorrow is worth it
If clocking in one more time, every time makes sense
It’s up to you to re-engage
To make the choice for ever