Sometimes you just gotta wonder what’s the point. I tried. I jumped out there. I kept my triggers in check. I did what I knew to do. I won’t say I failed… Even though that’s how it feels.
I don’t know what I could have done differently without sacrificing completely what I need.
It’s not just about me though. I met someone I really liked and clicked with. I rearranged things. Get this: I talked on the phone. I EVEN woke up out my sleep. I thought I was investing. Maybe I… I won’t do that. I won’t say that.
I compromised. I want someone who’s into me and who can say that. Someone who is willing to deal with my extra. I’m really tired. I’m trying not to be. I’m trying to not falter to fear. It’s so difficult. And it often feels pointless. It always comes back to me being the villain. I know not always and I know it’s often skewed with past pain that has nothing to do with me but that doesn’t keep it from hurting. It doesn’t keep the disappointment at bay. It doesn’t keep me from wondering why is it OK to lash out at me as if my feelings don’t matter?
I do my best to be me. Unapologetically. I give people space to be who they are. I honestly don’t know what else to do. I deserve someone who can love me the way I need. Hell just like me. Tell me why. Tell me I’m cute. Tell me I’m funny. Talk to me. I’m human too. I matter, right? I refuse to apologize for being interested in who you are as a person. I gahtdamn refuse.
It’s love. Romantic entanglements. I try very hard to believe that I get to have that. One person. Just that one. But… Shit like this.. Who knows.