It’s a sensory experience that does not require logic. There is no thinking needed to feel. No thought says, “absorb this.” You just do. You do not think, “become attracted to this person.” You just are.
I’m not being cryptic. Just thinking out loud. (or is it aloud?)
I need to be heard. I don’t need the validation or confirmation, I only need to be heard. I’m coming to grips with how big a thing that is for me. Thinking about my childhood and being in situations where my silence was coerced, bought, or demanded; considering the need I still have to this day to save everyone else at my own detriment, I deserve to be heard. I’m not talking about someone listening to me. I mean an invested interest in who I am, why I am, and who I aspire to be.
I deserve love and care and consideration (and run-on sentences). Some days I do feel like no one gets it. Gets me. Not because they don’t care to but… I don’t know. I don’t want to impose myself on anyone. I want to be wanted. Then I don’t.
I am not ashamed of being soft and sensitive. Vulnerability takes the best of us. It takes our courage and patience. Our compassion and empathy. I’m not sorry for wanting what I want. I am not sorry for wanting the relationships in my life to have depth and meaning, passion and vulnerability.
I am comfortable in my quirky, random ways. It’s not something that I have to think about. I just am.