I was just scrolling through Facebook. I was bored and willfully distracting myself from the continue thread of all the shit I needed to be doing that just wasn’t important enough to do in that moment. Then I saw it. This Ode from a stranger to a very familiar individual. I paused, as one normally does when they realize they’ve stepped in shit. It hit me. I’m officially 6 years overdue from cutting off the possibility of this very real annoyance.
See here’s the deal: I tend to understand shit. I overstand, if you will. Overunderstand to be completely accurate. I allow my compassion to seep into crevices of those I love and I cover myself in the understanding that spills forth. I take it in. I replay it when you speak. When you remain quiet. When you pause. When you…lie. I never take it personally. I go far too far to assure you that I’m not here to harm you, or judge you, or punish you. I’m just here. Let the truth bring us closer and make us both braver.
I’m naive like that.
I want to see the best in you because I need you to see the best in me.
I’m selfish like that.
I’m also tired. Because 6 years and two failed relationships later, I can still scroll through Facebook and see an ode from a stranger to a very familiar individual which reveals yet another lie. An unnecessary lie. A lie that did not serve to do anything but end our time as friends.
I don’t blame her. I don’t blame anyone. Well, I guess I blame me. I had reasons to part ways years ago but I kept saying it wasn’t the thing to do. It didn’t bother me because I “understood” her. Them. Today, though, it’s not about understanding. It’s about boundaries. It’s about me choosing me over them because it’s the right thing to do. Not because I get why they are dishonest or disrespectful or disconnected. Getting it doesn’t alleviate the responsibility to be better.
I hate the notion of blocking people. I really do. But, I understand (far less than I should) the necessity of such precautions. For years, I’ve groomed you to treat me sub-par and I’ll understand. That’s my doing. It’s now up to me to show you that I was wrong and that is not ok.
I thought I would feel worse. I thought I would feel like I was hurting people I cared for. But, I have to remember, they never really cared. I’m the only one who needs to be ok and I’m at peace with the decisions I’ve made. I accept that I have a lot of work to continue to do on myself. I appreciate, also, the lessons in these situation.
I will continue to remove anything and anyone who threatens how good this peace feels. For no other reason than I can. *pulls up facebook*