I love you. I will always love you. But, what we had wasn’t authentic. It’s hard to say but I’m not sure either of us were really ever being honest at the same time. But understand that I know you love me. I know that you cared and that as hard as it was for you to get out of bed some days you really did what you could at the time. It wasn’t enough. I wish I had a softer way to say that. But, believe me when I tell you it was never that you weren’t enough. You were overflowing with more than I knew to ask for. It’s just that this heart needs a fine tune pitch that I know now isn’t in common range. Wait, I’m not calling you common. I’m only trying to share that we missed each other for the long haul but for the moment it was just right. Now we have to move on. I cannot pretend that I don’t still hurt in lingering moments that I wish I could salve. I can’t pretend. I cannot pretend that the idea of your nuptials so soon after our finality doesn’t penetrate a place that the love of my life may be the only burn cream for. I don’t pick at the scar anymore. I’ve let it heal and I’ve taken care not to reopen the wound but it peeks through a dry patch of skin every now and again and reminds me that it was once a fresh batch of exposed cells delighted by the sun. Now it has history and character and I have a wound that I talk myself into being proud of when some nights I want to burn it away. This is me being dramatic. I know. Old habits die hard. And somewhere in the middle of learning that lesson- I had to be ok with everything I am and everything you are not. I found that road. I walked it in tears and curse words, loneliness and resentment. But I arrived, nonetheless. I completed that journey. So when you show up in my right now no different than you’ve always been you have to understand, I’m beyond that walk. I moved away from those pit stops and I am ready for a permanent home. I’m sorry I can’t meet you there. I cannot walk backwards and offer comfort on bare feet so that you can tie your shoes tighter and thank me for coming. I miss you. I always will. But this is our swan song because even if we meet again, it’ll be on new soil planted with new seeds to fertilize a new us. There is no going back. Thank you for no goodbye, it was the best hello I never asked for.

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