Sound Off

Laid out like a paraplegic

Meanwhile

Everybody can tell me what’s supposed to happen.

How I should feel

Just keep quiet. Just keep moving the sound bites around and look down at the sidewalk. Keep your head. Hold your emotions. In.

Everybody can tell me what’s supposed to happen.

Everybody can tell me that love comes and goes.

That you’re special and this is just a thing.

That life is ever changing and things can be unpredictable.

Predict these.

Predict this.

See why I’m stuck in a paradigm.

This shift.

This movement of non sense.

Shut down

Since

It all stopped.

All I really want to do is scream

and be heard.

It all stopped.

I can take the silence.

I can deal with the heavy lips with too much rage to speak.

I can exist in this place of limbo and languish

As long as I know

I will walk again.

Seek and Destroy

I just want to talk. I don’t need to touch you, not in that way. I’m a deviant. My goal is to creep silently inside places you’ve long forgotten existed. I won’t be subtle about it. You’ll know that’s where I’m headed and you’ll quietly, gently, beg me to keep going. Because you want to be known. You think you want to be touched and you’re right. But this touch has no palms. It has no fingertips or goosebumps. It has the sickest, most sadistic addiction that turns air into moans and words into time. We call it interest. And once it’s present, and you see how much of it I have, solely for you, you’ll lay back to be sought. And, destroyed.

Emotive

Why is expression such a bad thing when we have so many ways to express ourselves these days? You can’t befriend people, you can only “friend” people. It’s absolutely maddening. How are you supposed to navigate the treacherous waters of unfamiliar to get a place of association?

Am I supposed to feel bad because I don’t mind opening up? Because purging the useless emotions we can dredge around can cause illness and I’m not here for that?

I see why we can’t be compassionate to one another. We have no clue how to first be compassionate with ourselves. Don’t trust people. Don’t talk to people. Don’t do this… or that… DaMN. What’s left. Asking someone how they’re doing is like accessing nuclear codes. God forbid, you ask for something more personal like place of employment… or AGE! You’re obviously trying to steal their identity.

Holding stuff in is such a frikking burden for me. But the consequences behind poor timing or being deemed inappropriate are to much to risk these days. And why?

Because we’re all betting scared money.

Pursued

Sitting here texting my best friend about said crush and it occurs to me that I have not ever pursued someone. At least not as an adult. I’ve like people, of course. But actually pursuing someone I like? No.

I am so not built for Cuban links.

It’s funny how life is made of these mini challenges. It’s as if these situations are pre-designed to assist you in strengthening core muscles you will need to achieve your purpose. Life drills you must go over and over to be prepared for the actual life-drill.

I can’t say anything will come of this but what I do see is that for the first time I was more concerned that my “weird” would be a turn off than my “weight”.

I wish we lived in a world where my size didn’t matter but it does. And for some people no matter how awesome I am, romantically, it’s something they can not get pass. (the asshole in me has a joke but I’m off self-deprecating humor for 2014). I can’t be mad at people for that. We all have and deserve our preferences. Really, it’s their loss.

I guess that’s why as pursuing goes, I’ve been passive in the past. It’s definitely easier to just take what’s given to you rather than go get what you want. However, I’m not feeling that anymore. I’m not feeling the dormancy. I’m not feeling the passivity. I’m not with the complacency.

This isn’t all related to a partner either. It’s also about friendships, creativity, business. I’ve met a few cool people who I’d love to get to know but I refrain. So I’m going to jump out there, face first. Why the hell not? Considering everything else I’ve overcome this year why not go balls to the wall for it all.

I didn’t even intend to rhyme that.

*pops collar*

Extra Ordinary One

I love hard. Really hard. All I want is the same in return. I want someone who can match my investment. I don’t need someone who feels like they need to create a person that I will be interested in. I don’t need you to like poetry. I don’t need you to be a brainiac. I need you to be you. Be honest. Be open. Be sincere. Be emotionally mature.

I cannot invite someone in my life who is so narcissistic that they cannot see past their own pain or acknowledge the person sitting right beside them, through all that pain, trying to help them through it.

I need someone who can communicate. I am super random. And I may send a text at 2 in the morning. I don’t expect them to be woke. But have more to say than “lol” or “dope”. How is that too much to ask?

I’m off the #foreveralone shit. I’m far too fucking fabulous for this heart to stay contained. I appreciate my past experiences because they helped me grow. They made me better. However, I’m not interested in making past mistakes. I’m interested in growing. Growing with someone who takes their commitment as seriously as I do.

Damn, what does that cost these days? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to be relationshiped up like tomorrow. Or this year for that matter. But right now, even finding people to be interested in is a task. I ask myself is that fear or the power of discernment?

I don’t expect you to make my friends your friends but you will need to accept them. They are my extended family. And, also, know where you want to go. I catch pause with anyone over 30 still floating. What are you doing to actively work towards your goals?

I feel like I’m hunting for red october. Am I not making sense?

Why is some of us can’t realize what we had WHILE we had it? Don’t fight for me (or fight me out of regret) once I’m over it. Fight to keep me. Match or exceed my effort (you won’t but the trying is cute). I mean it isn’t hard. Listening is 90% of it.

I say: LISTENING IS 90% OF IT.  *rolls eyes*

Ugh. I quit.