I appreciate someone being interested in me. First of all, because I don’t always notice. I may think you’re interested but I will keep that to myself until you confirm or it’s unavoidable. Or, annoying.

But here’s the thing… What I want more than anything is to feel connected to someone. Intimately. Intellectually. Creatively. Just telling me that you think I’m awesome and whatnot doesn’t automatically mean I’m interested. Can you engage me? Can you surprise me? Can you hold a conversation?

Don’t tell. Show.

What do we have to talk about? I need conversation above most other things.

I’ve been charged with unrealistic expectations in the past. I’ve heard that I expect people to read my mind. That’s not the case at all. I listen. When I converse with you, it’s to actually receive the information you give. When someone tells me about themselves, I pay attention. I simply expect the same. I intentionally give pieces of myself. All I want you to do is value them. If that’s beyond the scope of your ability, by all means, relieve yourself of the duty. But, if you take the charge? Take. It. If you tell me you don’t like flowers or that you enjoy chicken over seafood why would I buy you roses or take you to Red Lobster? How personalized is that? Would you feel like I really embraced what you told me?

I’m not doing that again. I’m not putting my everything into someone who is only half listening. How can you know what I want if you haven’t bothered to ask me questions or engage me? At times I have also felt like I want too much. But then I think about it and nahh, that ain’t it. I’ve just allowed what I wanted to be squelched by people who knew they couldn’t give it to me at that time. I know what I offer. I know my value. I know what I bring to the table, if you can’t match that… Turn up for what?

I’m so tired of people telling me what they think I want to hear.  Don’t tell me you read all my books but can’t remember or recognize a single line. Don’t tell me shit you THINK is going to impress me. Tell me the truth. Give me you. Give me your honesty. Give me your vulnerability. Give me your story. If we’re meant to be, we will. Otherwise, at least we have a solid foundation to build a true friendship on. Not a bunch of fuckwad expectations and hurt feelings.

I’m probably rambling at this point because dang, just be who you are. I will not be in a relationship with anybody 60 days from now. Can we build a friendship in that amount of time? No. Can we date in that amount of time? Hell no. It might take my slow ass 45 days just to realize you even like me. So calm the hell down. Show me you’re interested in me as a person and not in claiming me or holding me hostage.

And I will not be dating anyone on more than 6 social sites. And five of those must be Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr and Skype. I can’t. I cannot and will not deal. What the fuck is a tango? grinder? Snapchat can’t even be on the list. NO. You can call it controlling. I do NOT care. She ain’t got to lie to kick it either. Be on any social network you want. Just do so as my friend not my potential. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not going to demand you not be on anything. It’s an automatic turn off when I find out that you are.

Don’t give me your empty words. Don’t give me a bunch of hot air. Don’t go out of your way to keep from giving me the real shit. Keep it. I want the sincerity. Know what the words mean. Don’t tell me I think too much. Yes, I analyze shit. That’s who I am. Don’t use that against me.

I want someone willing to invest as much as I am. Before it’s too late. Before it’s over. In fact, before it starts. Reciprocity, man. Effing reciprocity. If I invest in your dreams, invest in mine. If I fly out to see you, fly out to see me. Be you all the time. Not just in private. I guess this is all so important to me because I didn’t make choices that demanded that reciprocity from previous relationships. But without those experiences, I wouldn’t understand how much that means to me now. I need the openness. The communication. The engaging. The dialogue. I could take to myself if I wanted one-word answers.

I’m just venting. Dispelling these random thoughts and whatnot as a means of clearing the clutter. Nothing is more important to me than my weight loss journey and my creativity. Still, it’d be nice to crawl into a special person’s head and heart and find home.

love&light

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