Me and this Love Shit

I appreciate someone being interested in me. First of all, because I don’t always notice. I may think you’re interested but I will keep that to myself until you confirm or it’s unavoidable. Or, annoying.

But here’s the thing… What I want more than anything is to feel connected to someone. Intimately. Intellectually. Creatively. Just telling me that you think I’m awesome and whatnot doesn’t automatically mean I’m interested. Can you engage me? Can you surprise me? Can you hold a conversation?

Don’t tell. Show.

What do we have to talk about? I need conversation above most other things.

I’ve been charged with unrealistic expectations in the past. I’ve heard that I expect people to read my mind. That’s not the case at all. I listen. When I converse with you, it’s to actually receive the information you give. When someone tells me about themselves, I pay attention. I simply expect the same. I intentionally give pieces of myself. All I want you to do is value them. If that’s beyond the scope of your ability, by all means, relieve yourself of the duty. But, if you take the charge? Take. It. If you tell me you don’t like flowers or that you enjoy chicken over seafood why would I buy you roses or take you to Red Lobster? How personalized is that? Would you feel like I really embraced what you told me?

I’m not doing that again. I’m not putting my everything into someone who is only half listening. How can you know what I want if you haven’t bothered to ask me questions or engage me? At times I have also felt like I want too much. But then I think about it and nahh, that ain’t it. I’ve just allowed what I wanted to be squelched by people who knew they couldn’t give it to me at that time. I know what I offer. I know my value. I know what I bring to the table, if you can’t match that… Turn up for what?

I’m so tired of people telling me what they think I want to hear.  Don’t tell me you read all my books but can’t remember or recognize a single line. Don’t tell me shit you THINK is going to impress me. Tell me the truth. Give me you. Give me your honesty. Give me your vulnerability. Give me your story. If we’re meant to be, we will. Otherwise, at least we have a solid foundation to build a true friendship on. Not a bunch of fuckwad expectations and hurt feelings.

I’m probably rambling at this point because dang, just be who you are. I will not be in a relationship with anybody 60 days from now. Can we build a friendship in that amount of time? No. Can we date in that amount of time? Hell no. It might take my slow ass 45 days just to realize you even like me. So calm the hell down. Show me you’re interested in me as a person and not in claiming me or holding me hostage.

And I will not be dating anyone on more than 6 social sites. And five of those must be Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr and Skype. I can’t. I cannot and will not deal. What the fuck is a tango? grinder? Snapchat can’t even be on the list. NO. You can call it controlling. I do NOT care. She ain’t got to lie to kick it either. Be on any social network you want. Just do so as my friend not my potential. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not going to demand you not be on anything. It’s an automatic turn off when I find out that you are.

Don’t give me your empty words. Don’t give me a bunch of hot air. Don’t go out of your way to keep from giving me the real shit. Keep it. I want the sincerity. Know what the words mean. Don’t tell me I think too much. Yes, I analyze shit. That’s who I am. Don’t use that against me.

I want someone willing to invest as much as I am. Before it’s too late. Before it’s over. In fact, before it starts. Reciprocity, man. Effing reciprocity. If I invest in your dreams, invest in mine. If I fly out to see you, fly out to see me. Be you all the time. Not just in private. I guess this is all so important to me because I didn’t make choices that demanded that reciprocity from previous relationships. But without those experiences, I wouldn’t understand how much that means to me now. I need the openness. The communication. The engaging. The dialogue. I could take to myself if I wanted one-word answers.

I’m just venting. Dispelling these random thoughts and whatnot as a means of clearing the clutter. Nothing is more important to me than my weight loss journey and my creativity. Still, it’d be nice to crawl into a special person’s head and heart and find home.

love&light

Purity of a Kiss

“I think kissing is the most pure and raw form of physical contact there could ever be. Sex is intimate, sure, but you can have sex with anyone. A kiss though, my god. A kiss can change your world. A small touch between two pairs of lips can blow your mind. Whether it be short and sweet, or long and intense. And when you find someone that looks at you like you’re more beautiful than a blossoming rose; you never want to feel another’s lips against yours ever again.”

– The Purity of a Kiss  (via impetrate)

 

Yes. All of it.

23 Deep Ass Questions

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? When they are telling me. Always more difficult for me to receive. 

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? Oh so we just jumping right into huh? I felt betrayed by someone who mattered. Not as intensely but the hurt still lingers.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? The coast guard with my coordinates. I promise you this plane is going down over some water.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? I’m not telling anyone. I shall bare that burden alone. Same thing I do everyday: love hard. live open. Create. I’m sure there would be some fear. But, that’s no different from any other day. In this case, I just happen to have a scheduled appointment.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust. I have had this paradox in real life, from both angles and neither gahtdamn one. I refuse to accept one with the other. Ever again. 

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? WEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP….Listen, we’ve met. 

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? No. Next question.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? I wake up. And throw away whatever vile excuse for food I ate before falling asleep and slipping into the twilight zone.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? Yes. So they can have one last conversation.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? Fah sho.

11. Does love = sex? Only when divided by the square root of insecurity multiplied by selfishness over distraction cubed.

12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?  See, the way my account set up…

13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? First off, you nosey. B, this is everyday… 

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? Definitely when I don’t have the same feelings. 

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?  Self-love. 

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? Last weekend. My best friend.

17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? Had you said the last six months, you’d have an answer. Weeeellllpppp!

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? I wouldn’t. I don’t know CPR.

19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? Since Essie’s hand would be skeletal remains, I’m thinking the new born makes it. 

20. Are you old fashioned? And prudish. And conservative. And overprotective. Your point?

21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? Like two minutes ago…

22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? The broken heart heals. Learning that everyday. And those memories… I choose which ones I can take in to make me stronger.

23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? Be connected.

Anthony Hamilton

Here’s my heart

I’m dying to give it to you

to be received

Hope you see it

Hope you notice

Not this last name morning chaos

But the inside warm calm

You can call home

It’s flawed

But that’s perfect

If there is no lack to fill, balance cannot be had

Feel me?

Fill me.

Here’s my heart