I was talking to my mother a couple days ago. My mama is my ace but when I say she can be infuriating, that is an understatement. Towards the end of the conversation I caught myself in a haze. Just a haze of words. Nothing was getting through to her and that’s where I lost myself. Trying to get through to her. I stopped thinking about my point. I stopped considering the actual conversation. Everything in that moment was simply over talking and frustration to bust my way through her inability to listen.
I wasn’t always this way. I pride myself on being a good listener. But, some where in the last few years I have felt a sense of powerlessness in not being understood. In not feeling heard. In doing so, I have pushed that on to other people. Certain people. The people who make me feel the most misunderstood and the most powerless. i.e…my mother, my partners…
That’s not who I am nor is it who I ever want to be. If I want to be heard, my first priority has to be to listen. I must commit to being receiving and processing the words being given to me. My presence and my patience dictates that I will be heard. My challenge is to craft my message to the person receiving it. I will not be a lazy communicator; so focused on delivering an easy, quick and loud message that I forego the meaning, the intent and elegance of responding -not reacting.
I still have a ways to go. Right now I practice on getting out of my emotions and expectations of all the past conversations that have been so frustrating. I can’t carry that into each new conversation, if it is to truly be so. I have to take each dialogue as new and fresh and let it have its own life and thrive. Not only is that the more impacting outlook, it allows each interaction to be more lasting.
I appreciate this awareness. I know this is necessary in every aspect of my life. Especially in my intimate life. It won’t be tomorrow, but I will continue to grow and open myself to sincerely listening and taking in the words being offered to me. I will choose my words carefully and offer them with thoughtfulness and care.
love & light