I came home last night. The house was empty. The light were all off. Doors all closed (I’m completely OCD about doors). And it was so peaceful. I have a couple big decisions to make over the summer. And, I will. Right now I am just soaking everything in. This journey is so amazing. I am just interested to see how things will continue to open and come into my life. How is that person that I get to spend the rest of my life with going to come into my life. Will I be able to meet them half way? Not jumping at their ever whim because I need to fix them to avoid me to set those boundaries and have someone who can actually communicate and open themselves up. (Let my run-on make it).
I do think about those things. I do not believe that I was made this awesome with this heart for it go unshared. (I know it’s not a word. I don’t care.) The fact is, I’m busy. As scary as it is to really go after your dreams, I am loving every minute of it. You invest in other people and their dreams but what about your own? It’s not really a slow moving train, it’s just gaining momentum. Thinking about how all of this will tie together has me in awe.
I don’t spend a lot of time in that thought though. I can’t. I drown myself in creating, in working, in learning. I literally have invested everything I have in growing -mind, body and soul. Now, that body part is the slow cousin at the party. That is still my biggest challenge. A consistent commitment to my physical health is still the most difficult area to navigate because my physical comfort rests in being undisciplined. I can force my self to read the Project Management chapters. I can make myself study graphic design terms. I can push myself to meditate longer, breathe deeper but that gahtdamn treadmill and sweat and bugs and outside and physical movement takes everything that I have, every single time.
Here’s the catch though: I will defeat it. I will get better, one day at a time. ONe foot in front of the other because I do not lose. I will not be in the same body next year that I am in today. Because I do not lose. It is that same spirit and tenacity and resiliency that moved me to stop saying #foreveralone.
It was funny. But I was saying it as a way to make light of my fears. But the historical probability does not support this. I see my weight before anyone else does. And, quite frankly, most people see it as well. Sadly, it keeps a lot of people from learning who I really am. It keeps them from experiencing who I am. But, then I have to remember that’s fine. I don’t really like people anyway. And if you’re a shallow person, I really don’t have time to deal with your ass. Liars, con artists, narcissists, I can’t. So, it can hurt at times but I am a person. My struggle just happens to be more apparent than the person who struggles with alcohol or drugs.
I will not be settling for the bull. I’m ready to receive the person who can communicate their feelings, articulate their vulnerabilities, be honest when it’s hardest and treat me the way I deserve. If your investment does not match what I bring to the table, this will not work. If you can’t add to my happiness, this will not work. The biggest disappointment is to pour out my heart and realize the person I’m pouring over has not been listening. I will not accept that. I support your dreams. I encourage your endeavors. I hold you when you’re weak. I fight for you when you do not want to do so for yourself. How can I not deserve the same? Why have I gone so long without demanding the same? I devalued myself by not demanding more. Thinking that I was wrong for wanting so much. Compared to what I give, I never asked for enough. I don’t deserve to know what it is like be flattered or complimented or romanced because I have more skin than the next person?
I’m the person who wakes up with you in the middle of the night. I’m the person who sits on the floor beside you in silence until you get ready to speak. All I want is for a ninja to play mario kart and take me to comi-con. I know gathdamn well I’m worth it. I’m lying I want more than that but the point is, I’m excited. I’m excited to experience love from someone who means it. I’m excited to experience love in a way I convinced myself at some point in life that I never would. I don’t blame my exes for giving me less than I deserved when it was more than I thought I wanted.
But, I want it all. Because right now, today, I’m giving it to myself. And if you can’t treat me better than I treat myself, I ask you, why would I settle for less. And you gotta know, I’m not cheap.
love and light.