Play video games. Watches Golden Girls. Reads often. Stands on truth and authenticity. Willing to travel to lame conferences and comicon type events. Smiles from the heart out. Loves weird. Devoted to personal growth. Sees money as a tool, not validation. Prays. Meditates. Appreciates art. Sarcastic. Witty. Has a career. Driven. Makes me watch lame shows I could care less about by calling it bonding time. Sees me. Let’s me see her. Speaks up. Considerate. Engaging. Interesting. Acknowledges hurt. Voices pain. Shares. Opens up.
Fuck I’mma be single forever.
“I still really really love you…”
I will forever cosign this Nicki.
No matter how much you love them, you can’t make a person change. You cant make them want to grow up. A broken person will justify their wrongness, however hurtful, to uphold some faux sense of correctness. Never mind how fractured and disconnected the gesture. It’s easier to look like a good person, a mature person, than it is to actually be one. Put on a white coat and everyone will think you’re a doctor until it’s time to perform surgery.
I’m tired of people who just want to wear the coat. I want the person who is invested in the 10 – 12 years of hard work to learn; to grow; to be authentic. I have to work on the brokenness in me that attracts these people who want to mimic but not become.
What’s more important is that I have to stop being so understanding of others that I open myself to their abuse. “It’s not their fault because this behavior is exactly what conditioned them.” Fuck that shit. You’re an adult now. You’ve been exposed to better, so DO GAHTDAMN BETTER.
These half-assed attempts to look like a better person actually take more effort than just being a better person. People like that have to surround themselves with new people constantly. As people begin to see their true colors they start to disappear, disintegrate, and dislodge. But the coat wearer needs a constant audience to feel validated so they stay on the prowl for new people to coax.
Money. A broke coat wearer is the struggliest of struggles. Money buys nicer coats which makes for even better lies. But when the money is gone and the coat is dingy, you’re left in a shell that everyone sees for what it is. And rest assured, the money will go.
All the promises that were made. All of them, meant absolutely nothing. Nothing. I’m thinking I’m investing in a future. Split dividends, equal returns. Not at all. It’s completely top heavy and draining. But they’ve convinced themselves that they mean well. No, no you actually don’t mean well. Because people who mean well keep their promises and actually fucking DO WELL.
There has to be a balance. My needs weren’t even acknowledged, nevermind met. Basic considerations went overlooked. A complete investment in them was expected but not returned. Simple engaging, asking questions to mirror an interest in daily activities or even basic conversation. These are necessities in a serious romantic union. Umm, really in normal adult interaction. I mean gahtdamn. How dare I accept anything less? How dare I deny myself exposure to anything but a pouring forth sincerity and love?
What’s more than that is the complete disregard and unwillingness to change after the imbalance is pointed out. That’s when you move from unknowing to manipulative. Now you’re behaving this way on purpose. And yes, THAT MAKES YOU A SHITTY PERSON.
I will not step on eggshells to sugarcoat your misgivings. I will own that I allowed your behavior just like you will own your ain’t-shitness . Or not. I don’t have to deal with it anymore. That’s all that really matters.