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I want peaceful ideals. But, it seems there is no peace without chaos. You cannot move on without leaving something (one) behind.

How do we move on?

These are the rhetorical ramblings of someone gone mad. Someone entrenched in the throws of an outright war to persevere. The fight to claim your life is fought in the day to day. We all want to be happy. We don’t all think of happiness the same way.

I believe our definitions can be the feather that brings down the house of cards. How we perceive these ideals that life offers can divide us or bring us together.

Are we truly the product of our choices or simply the result of our circumstances? How different are the two?

I decided a few weeks ago that I would do whatever it takes to reclaim my life; to move forward; to be rejuvenated; to be dedicated to the things and people that bring me joy. I have not felt an absence of adversity just because I made that choice. I have not seen a line in the sky open up and lay hands on my spirit. What I have found is a change in me. I’m no longer willing to dwell in what circumstances aren’t in my favor. I’m focusing on the circumstances that are in my favor and how I can use those to transfigure the circumstances threatening to hold me back.

This is my power. This is the control I have over my life and the circumstances beyond my control.

I took stock of the things that are important to me: my mother and my sister, my friends, my purpose. I finally accept that the human in me needs to be loved and accepted and reassured. I understand at times I will fight these things because I don’t want to feel vulnerable or….human. But, I cannot survive without them/these. I will cry on days because I cannot muster the strength to do much of anything else. But, behind those days I will somehow muster enough strength to stand up and wipe away the flakes of those tears and move forward. One step at a time.

On days when I feel disgustingly alone, someone who loves me will remind me that I am not. And I will spend a very good portion of my life trying to do the same for others. There will be times when I will hurt someone that I care about, selfishly. But my actions are not always an indication of my depth of love or loyalty. I hold on to these moments of weakness as a reminder when I want to lash out for being on the receiving end of such treatment.

I want to be understood. I sometimes treat people like they should be able to read my mind simply because I want them to seek my understanding in the same way that I tend to do. I often remind myself that a lack of this does not mean they do not care, only that they do not show it in the same way that I do.

I want to create laughter and understanding around me. I want people to be empowered. I want to love and be loved.

For a very long time in my life I did not believe that I deserved love. Love was a commodity that I could not afford. I didn’t have the means to barter it’s value. I was lost in a world that had no love to spare. For me. I would be lying if I did not admit that at times I find myself stuck in this frame of mind. What have I done to warrant strangers pulling me into their folds with such open arms and willingness?

Let me say that I have found growth to be a perpetual act within this life. I have not ever looked at growth as being vertical but horizontal. And it should always engulf (as well as enrage) all those within my path. Growth doesn’t eliminate doubt. It does nothing for the nagging insecurities that we pick up along life’s journey. However, just as an alcoholic learns to deal with the thirst and a drug addict learns to quell the urge, we learn to push past the voice of insecurity until it becomes the most indistinct whisper we can refuse to regard.

I get nervous around new people because I’m afraid like me standing in a mirror my weight is all they can see. Nevermind the weight I’ve lost. Nevermind the heart I bare. Then something reminds me that if an individual cannot see pass such a superficial nuance, they weren’t ready to receive my style of awesome anyway. Self-reassurance goes a long way.

Just as love.

Love that I deserve because I am. We all are. And if we understand that this journey was never meant to be a lonely walk, a secret walk, a tormented walk, we’d walk just a little lighter on our feet.

I don’t look to escape the chaos. I must endure the chaos to embrace the peace. But, along this way I have company. Hands to hold and hugs to make it all better. And, if I’m lucky somewhere along the way the perfect kiss.

There are no peaceful ideals just a long stretch of horizontal road and endless rainbows.

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