Filtering

The story I’m writing right now is about very self-aware characters. The problem with being self-aware is that we tend lose a certain modesty to learning about ourselves. You begin to believe that you know everything about yourself so there is nothing anyone else can tell you. Until they do. It’s like pulling the rug from under someone who weighs 1000lbs. They never expect it, they hardly believe it, and when they finally accept that it really happened they have no clue what to do next.

I think that makes for an interesting journey. Given their personal lives and their entanglements this should prove to be revealing, although, if not,  at the least entertaining.

I’ve never aspired to write anything that could just be considered entertaining.

The Plug

The dynamic of human relationships is spiraling out of control in my life right now. This discourse makes for the best creativity from me. *sad face*

The people we love and the depths we’ll go to love them. To endure the vulnerability. To curtail the selfishness.

I suffer dramatically with the latter. Therefore I compensate heavily in an attempt to seem balanced when really it’s just the latter tipping the scales and brandishing it in love’s face.

So now I’m engrossed in it. The dynamic between giving and taking where love and attention is concerned. Do we give just to receive? Or is the gift genuine?

I don’t believe that’s really what I want to say. I can’t find what I really want to say because I allowed myself to become so censored. I’ve allowed others people misunderstanding of my process to keep me from being pure with it. How will they take this when it’s not even about them? I’m considering the random collection of actions we experience as human beings but the statement that leads me; that drives me; may have originated from an actual encounter. Now this post is about that person and not about the observation. So fear dictates instead of permeates.

Afraid of saying something that would be misconstrued. Afraid that what I really mean cannot be taken in the context it is meant.

I can not like your behavior and love you. I can love you and not miss you. I can miss you but cut you off. It’s all choice and individuality and understanding and human relationships. How dynamic?