I believe it is pertinent to be self-involved. I believe that exploring the natural occurences within one’s self is necessary to be self-aware. How much we know about ourselves will always directly affect our relationships with others no matter the capacity.
Admittedly, I was upset today. I found out someone I thought I was particularly close too, married. I know that I have a sense of friendship that most, according to culture and age, do not share. I believe wholeheartedly that a friend can ascend to a familia type bond through intimacy and understanding. I do not practice the belief that family has to be held higher in regard to friends. This belief, however, is practical in theory and function for me because I do not practice the abused art of befriending every person I meet.
I have people I am partial to. People I adore. People I will party with, occasionally. People whose opinions I respect. all of which aren’t actually my friends.
This person, though, was absolutely my friend. Someone who after an argument I fully expected to pick up where we left off. But today that asumption was usurped by the very strong reality of our situation.
I wish I weren’t affected. I wish I could remove the sense of bewilderment plaguing my concentration. Don’t misunderstand my hurt for anger. I’m not angry. Angry is me throwing in someone’s face what I’ve done for them in hopes they appreciate me. Angry is me brandishing your insecurities in your face in hopes of bribing enough consideration for the fact that you were accepted unconditionally. Angry is me reminding you of every bad desicion you’ve made in hopes that you see how much my opinion and good sense will benefit you in the future. Angry makes it about me. And, this, is certainly not about me.
This is about the desicision made to exclude me for undisclosed reasons. Reasons, I may never know, let alone understand. I could waste my time bemoaning the fact that my friend, someone I akin to family, left me out of one of the biggest steps in life but instead I will choose to congratulate you and your new bride. I will choose to wish you all the best future possible. Instead, I will accept my choice to befriend someone who did not hold me in the same regard as I held them. I will not be ashamed of opening my heart to the idea of friendship; the idea of love; the idea of chosen family. I will raise my glass to the newlyweds and nod in the sincerest wishes of well.
Friendship is an investment. Similar to any romantic relationship, you take a risk whenever you put trust into another person for any reason. I could very well say that being hurt by someone is reason enough to choose not to open yourself to anyone else. But, as with any investment, scared money will never win.