When anger, fear, and confusion, fuse successfully in humans it creates this unhealthy equilibrium of numbness that borderlines paralysis.
I am so furious. A hairpin trigger. How someone can look you in the face and claim to love you while simultaneously making a complete fool of you in the face of strangers with their careless, reckless, shameless, attempts at soothing their wounded fragile, insufferable low self-esteem.
I am so hurt. i want to act out and do to them what was done to me. But, I realize how childish that would be. I don’t want to be that person. I just want not to feel so confused and so alone. I am not perfect. No one is but I do not feel like I have asked for too much. I did what I was supposed to do. I put you first. I was considerate. I tried my hardest not to be half as selfish as I know I can be. I honestly tried to be different. Still me, just me better. I tried.
How can someone look you in the face so blatantly, after you beg for their honesty, and still lie. At what point does the situation not warrant honesty? How you can say no one knows, knowing you’ve told plenty of people? How can you say that you love me all the while blushing at the advances of a stranger? How can you ask me to stay then tell someone else you’re relieved to be rid of this? How can you be this person that I don’t know? How can you fix your mouth to say you understand me then throw around words so carelessly? How can you lie so much to so many people so often?
I keep looking for some admission of guilt. “Yes, I finally get it. I did this. I lied about this. I said this when I should have said this but I didn’t think you’d ever know. I didn’t think you’d ever see how often and how easy the truth slips away from me. I never thought you’d know I slept with her. that I kissed her. That I needed the attention from the stranger because it made me feel good. Because I need to keep back up for the day you leave me. the day I know will come because at some point you will figure out that you deserve better. Or just leave me because you get tired. But hopefully you’d never know. Then I’d never have to deal with me.”
I haven’t cried. I refuse to shed a tear over my decision to stay. Besides, tears could not make it through this barricade of fury. I guess I’m angry because I trusted them to protect me. I trusted them to keep me safe from the unnecessary drama. I trusted them to be reserved and respect our relationship enough to be guarded and mature. To give up frivolity for the sake of building a future with me. I am angry because I trusted them to not leave me exposed in the midst of wolves hungry to devour anyone and anything in attempts to escape their own misery. Little did I know the person I trusted was escaping their own. Incarcerated with no parole to a self esteem built on the attention of facades. So what good would tears be when I am already in the midst of water, drowning? Held down by the hands that were supposed to love me. Ironic how the victim because the abuser through revival.
I still do not regret. I will not ever regret loving. Or the individual that I embraced loving. Part of me wants to remain angry. Wants to go to this familiar place I have ignored for so long. I want to be bitter and impulsive but what would it solve?
Instead, I will be healed.