Thinking about relationships. I’m not sure what I want to write though. I know something about intimacy. Something about loyalty. Something about trust.

I keep pausing.

I want to do a documentary on relationships with a cast of 20-40 year olds. I’m curious how vast the opinions would be. It interests me the decisions that we make based on our desire to be loved or fear of being alone. It seems that no matter what we feel for someone there is a hierarchy of attachment where we internally make decisions of sacrifice concerning the people closest to us.

I do not want to mislead you by using the word sacrifice. My meaning is simply if a choice of one or the other arises, we sacrifice, or pick, the one we care for least. Or do we? What about in the case of infidelity? Where spouses choose their affair over their spouses? Do they love the mistress more than the spouse? The pool boy more than the husband? Or is it a choice of what the extramarrital affairs represent? What the provide? That lead to them being more desireable…

paused.

I need to write 3 more poems.

paused.

I have trust issues. Some shit I just will never take at face value. I just won’t tell you that I won’t.

I know that my issues have negatively impacted my relationships over the years.

thinking.

These two novels have been rearing their heads lately. I have a couple ideas to improve them. Far more than a couple really. I can’t wait til the summer when I can invest some time into that writing.

prickling excitement.

I often wonder what kind of person am I? I know what I aim to be but not what it comes across as. I try to be dependable and caring. I try to be the friend/girlfriend I would want to see. But that gets lost in translation because it takes a person stronger than me to deal with someone like me.

revealed.

Somedays I’m extremely proud of the person I have become. Especially given the circumstances I have overcome. Other days…

paused.

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