Profound Confusion

Thinking about relationships. I’m not sure what I want to write though. I know something about intimacy. Something about loyalty. Something about trust.

I keep pausing.

I want to do a documentary on relationships with a cast of 20-40 year olds. I’m curious how vast the opinions would be. It interests me the decisions that we make based on our desire to be loved or fear of being alone. It seems that no matter what we feel for someone there is a hierarchy of attachment where we internally make decisions of sacrifice concerning the people closest to us.

I do not want to mislead you by using the word sacrifice. My meaning is simply if a choice of one or the other arises, we sacrifice, or pick, the one we care for least. Or do we? What about in the case of infidelity? Where spouses choose their affair over their spouses? Do they love the mistress more than the spouse? The pool boy more than the husband? Or is it a choice of what the extramarrital affairs represent? What the provide? That lead to them being more desireable…

paused.

I need to write 3 more poems.

paused.

I have trust issues. Some shit I just will never take at face value. I just won’t tell you that I won’t.

I know that my issues have negatively impacted my relationships over the years.

thinking.

These two novels have been rearing their heads lately. I have a couple ideas to improve them. Far more than a couple really. I can’t wait til the summer when I can invest some time into that writing.

prickling excitement.

I often wonder what kind of person am I? I know what I aim to be but not what it comes across as. I try to be dependable and caring. I try to be the friend/girlfriend I would want to see. But that gets lost in translation because it takes a person stronger than me to deal with someone like me.

revealed.

Somedays I’m extremely proud of the person I have become. Especially given the circumstances I have overcome. Other days…

paused.

Surreal

It’s funny how one motion, one action, can be three different right and wrongs, good and bads, up and downs.

Yesterday, a friend told me I tend to forego the layers straight to understanding a person’s soul. I don’t know about all that. I just don’t see the point in asking questions about things I can observe. It’s the things that cannot be observed – the thought processes, the inclinations, the insecurities, the things we force down and inward – that interests me.

Eh.

Sap.

I’m such a sap. I think I said something that offended someone and its bothering me. Crap.

Its that whole misunderstood thing all over again. I never want to go thru that again. Constantly explaining yourself, feeling on edge, walking the eggshells…

Anyway, I’m trying to pull myself together and finish this book. Its funny because I need to pull myself out of my feelings but I need to kinda be in my feelings to produce the best work. A shame.

Business is slowly picking up. Always a good thing. And there’s a good mix of big orders and small. Balance is great. I’m excited but nervous. I swear there’s just not enough hours in the day.

This training keeps me full of anxiety.I know my friends ate tired of hearing it, so I’ll keep it between me and you. And I know all I have to do is my best. But, sometimes I feel like my best isn’t good enough. More times than I’m comfortable with, in fact.

This year so far has seen several changes in my life. New people. New opportunity. New ideas.

And, its only February.