I feel so much anger right now. Mistrust. Or distrust. I feel lied to and settled-for. I know what spawned this but I won’t dredge that up. Suffice it to say I have neglect issues. Abandonment issues.
Everything pisses me off right now. I hear special ringtones and I see myself throwing the fucking phone in the middle of the street. I just wanna close off.
While having conversation about one person, I stood outside of myself and watched rant on indirectly about everything thats raging internally.
How do you get angry at someone who is trying?
I know why my mom treats me the way she does. She knows how he ended up. She doesn’t want to see the same for me.
Neither do I.
I work so hard to control the rage until I think that people are fooled into believing it doesn’t exist.
I think my presence is just as much a curse as a blessing.
I want my life. I’ve worked hard to want my life. I’ve made it this far.
And still it isn’t enough.
I know my flaws. Actual and almost. I want to improve as a person.
I want to continue to get better.
I want to trust and love and understand.
But today I am exhausted. And the emotional fight to believe in people and believe in intentions and well-meanings has tired me out.
Today discontent wins.
I am exhausted.