I was just sitting here thinking about real life. Considering the possibilities that lie ahead. There’s alot about my life that I never anticipated, asked for or desired. I always felt a sense of solitude and chose to see the comfort in that. I look at that now and know that while I don’t want to exists in this world alone romantically, I also don’t know how to give up a lot of the alone-time-expectations that I have become accustomed to.
Solitude is how I deal with the negative emotions that overtake people regularly. I’m comfortable in my thoughts. In the world in my head, everything I am exists there. But what happens when someone wants to love me? When there is a world outside my head that needs my attention. Thats hard for me. Only because I fight it. I want it all. And I want it to be fair. I search for commitments that bend to my need. When my partner needs more of my time than I am willing to give, my guilt finds a reason to let go.
It’s not fair but it is effective. It’s not the answer but it is a bandaid that soothes.
I’m not an only child but I was one long enough that I never really got used to the concept. Sharing in the sense that breathes compromise is a window I keep shut.
I’m used to being right. I’m used to others thinking I’m right so when I know I should compromise instead I take advantage of pre-existing frames of mind that frame my response as the way to go. It works to my favor. But.
I see the necessity in family. I see the need in romance and love. I always had love for my friends, love for my mom and sister but it was the romantic love that I never invested enough in to weigh an outcome to compare. Love was simply a way to pass the time. Until now.
Giving several reason to let go, I stay. You’re dealing with someone who could detach from wind if oxygen didn’t keep me alive. But. I stay. In the middle of fear, the middle agrevation, in the middle of blinding rage, I stay. I stay as a concrete, unwavering choice. And that scares me.
Don’t misunderstand. It is not fear that cements my decision. It’s the comfort. The skin to skin oath that we’re in this together. That more than anything is what takes my breath away. When everything has lost its composure and nothing is firm enough for my footsteps and I feel these walls suffocating me, its the silence and the skin that breath life back into my spirit.
It’s not easy. The old me, that likes conversations in my head and alone time will always exists. But, I am learning to voice what I need instead of assuming its too much for them to bare.
I have reared (yes, I know what reared means, find the poetry in it) myself to separate from the emotion and find the logic in every situation. But, there is no logic in love. Why now instead of then? Why you instead of them? Why here instead of there? The variable will never fade. If I lose what I have now, then have effectively lost a moment in time. It’s the one action that affects every aspect of your life. And this is where I stand.
I still have some growing to do. I still must find the balance between my emotions and my mind, love and logic but thats what this moment was meant to be. Right now begins a new ripple it what is to come. I am loved.
And. That changes everything.