Do you know how long it’s been since I cried? OMG!
Its the most freeing experience I’ve had in quite some time. Most people run from their tears. I embrace them. I relish them. Because, it means I’m growing. It means I’m humble. It means I’m human. With all the evil and the wrong with the world, tears means I survived it. Whatever it is. I survived it and it didn’t destroy me.
I am so angry. Hurt. I knew it, I knew it long ago. The eyes stopped sparkling but I listened to your words instead of your eyes and thats where I went wrong. Wait, not wrong. Astray. I knew I’d hurt. I thought I’d accepted it. Guess not.
All the secrets. All those secrets you keep so nestles, the lives you’ve become so indifferent about are eating away at you. I have to wonder do you not know or not care. You feel like you deserve in some strange way to be alone and to suffer but that life is a choice. Free yourself from that pain, from that weakness. Find the strength to stand up for yourself and the life you want and be a better you. be honest. sit down and choose to love you. Let go of your childhood and the pain it catered.
I’ve done my dirt. I’ve reaped my karma. I’m back full circle where I started. And I’m ok with that. I’m ok because I can be honest about it.
All the people you are pleasing keeps you from pleasing the only person that matters. You. I believe that you love me but you figured it out too late. I will never get over the old stuff. All the stuff that happened prior to. All the times you should have left me but were too cowardess to do so. All the times you had conversations with her and gave yourself to her and you knew you were doing it for the wrong reasons and swallowed what could have been integrity and kept going. I won’t let it go. You did to me the one thing I asked you not: Don’t hold me hostage and yet here I am.
Bound and gagged. Prisoner to emotion that took time from me. Took effort from me. All the while you weren’t focused. You weren’t here. You weren’t loving. You were being selfish. Experimenting with a closeness and a tenderness that was refreshing and addictive but not from who you wanted to me to be.
I would have rather hurt then than to hurt now. Because now I have to live with this tainted, garbled image of you are that strips the picture of you were. Like I said, I did my dirt. I reaped my karma. I’m not perfect but I did what I could to be who you need me to be. You’re free now. Spread your wings and embrace your sky.
I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine. The question is, will you?