I’m appreciating the taste of life and love more. Even in the midst of drama, I appreciate the emotion of confusion. I get to appreciate the satiation of calm at the end. And there will be an end to the confusion. Chaos was never intended to be a perminent state of being. Unbeknownst to us, its our choice to remove ourselves from the chaos (Because chaos is a state that has entrance and exit, it can not be dissolved completely). The process requires a conscious decision to do what our bodies reject. In other words, its the consequences behind our decisions that keep us from to action. We convince ourselves that itsnot so bad in the midst of chaos. The breeze is nice. The lift and toss in the middle of a cyclone is refreshing. The landing is rough and painful but reminds us we’re alive. When all the time the most comfortable seat in the midst of chaos is the seat located outside looking in.
Doing my customary yearly review I can say that I have accomplished a few things in my 28th year. Some material, some emotional. Though I still have quite a ways to go before knocking on my 35th year. My intent is to do more professionally in my 29th year. That’s tricky because it is easy to get distracted by life.
Affairs of the heart still ring loudly but they have begun to settle. I recognize that I am in the middle of a chaotic state romantically. I have an ex that can not let go. Admirers that get more agressive in their pursuit. And a love that can not trust me enough to give me all their truth. I choose to be in this state at this moment for several reasons. I know that I have things to learn about others as well as myself. I understand that some truth is just uncomfortable to reveal to ourselves, let alone others. I attempt to be supportive and understanding without spilling over into naive or demanding. My stradle walk makes my feet hurt. I’m trying not to stop walking all together.
Financially I’m nowhere close to where I would like to be. But we’re going to see what we can do to change that in year 29. For those who dont know my goal is to be where I could retire if I so choose by year 35. Think its impossible? It took Oprah 32 years to make her first million. 2 years later she had 10 million. On the same accord it took Oprah 46 years to make her first billion, it only took a year to double it. Never listen to what you can’t do. (and I do not like Oprah by the way.)
I just want to be comfortable. I want to spend the rest of my life running my businesses, traveling the world with my companion and writing something that enlightens or angers. I know what it feels like to struggle. I know what surviving feels like. But with every additional year I am blessed with it is my goal to live.
So I continue.