You said you knew but you were really guessing…

Its funny. reading the previous post and I started thinking about a perfect example of truth. Some co-workers and I have this email thing we do on a regular basis. One day the question came up about same sex marriage which always leads to sexuality, why wouldn’t it? I waited for some replies to roll through and most of them were against it, siting the bible as the reason. There was no way around it, in order to answer the question I had to give them part of me. I could have chosen not to answer at all but that would have been being dishonest. I had the desire to answer and being one not to bite my tongue for anyone, I did.

This was my answer:

I have never been good at being anything but Dew. I don’t do well with conforming to labels but I will speak on my own personal experience. I believe in God and the savior. I have never been interested in marrying anyone, man or woman. And I have dated both and been proposed to by both. As for same sex marriages if church and state are separate there is no legal reason for same sex couples not to be allowed to marry.
 
As for homosexuality being a learned behavior, people date and sleep with who they sleep with for different reasons. If you can’t be born gay then you can’t be born straight. Attraction is a fickle thing, no one can explain it. We have all been attracted to some heelah monsters before and wondered why.

I don’t talk about my personal life unless I have a personal relationship with you. And no one ever really asks. They assume they know but no one has ever seen me sleep with a man or woman, so honestly what you think you know is just that. But the point is that wasn’t easy for me to give but it was honest. What had me so reluctant to be honest was the consequence of giving a personal part of myself.

I am a firm believer that who you sleep with at night is your business. Now I’m all up for listening if you want to talk about it but I won’t ask. Not to mention there is this hidden connotation behind having a same sex relationship that changes how some people act around you. Granted these particular coworkers didn’t really change, they leave me off a few emails about the resident hottie other than that though nothing major. But generally the changes are much more grave and a lot more apparent. But again, should the possibilities of these changes keep us from being honest about ourselves?

How many of us live our lives to the convenience of others? I can name at least 6 women in my office who are in relationships with men but have women on the side. (I am only using sexuality as an example here because it requires a knowledge of self and stifled desire.) They do so because they have to keep up appearances. Appearances for who? Truth is a self satisfying ability. Its the consequences from others that make us suffocate truth (in any situation). But if the person you are talking to or about can not accept your truth or Heaven forbid their own, is that someone you really want in your life anyway? And why would you waste time wit someone who can not embrace everything you or your truth have to offer?

As always I don’t have the answers, I’m just trying to get these questions out of my head.

You think you know but you’ll never ask.

I’ve been thinking about the truth lately. Not any particular truth but the nature of fact itself. Why is it we tell people we want someone who is honest in our lives but when we get that honesty we hate it? We hide from it. We resent it for showing us the part of ourselves we knew existed yet preferred to disregard.

The fact is we are more comfortable with people who accept the truth we give them rather than those who seek the real truth. Its not that what we are giving people is a lie but more that it is an edited truth.

I pride myself on being honest but the fact is I tend to give only what’s requested even when I know the answer they were seeking. My justification is that they should have been more specific. Does that make me a liar?

What is the truth and how do we become comfortable enough with it to not only give it but receive it? Its one thing to tell someone the complete truth but you must be willing to exert the strength it takes to receive it as well.

I’m speaking more of an inherent truth. A truth that goes beyond what did you do today or how does my hair look? I’m speaking of a truth that conquers us from the inside out. See no matter what we invent to-date our thoughts are still our own. And its those thoughts and intentions that we have complete control of how they are released and who they are released to.

If you think its not much to my question then ponder this: on an average day how many times will you be asked what’s up? How are you? Or what’s going on? On an average day how many times will you say nothing, fine or not much, when the answer is so much more? Routine is no excuse for dishonesty. We’re used to be asked rhetorical questions so we have become accustomed to giving rhetorical answers. But why is that okay?

Questions that delve into our wellbeing or our state of mind should never be rhetorical. And answers to these questions should never be routine. Honesty dictates a sense of self that we have gradually surrendered for the sake of some misguided misrepresentation of being cordial. If you ask me how I am and I tell the truth, what then? will you really be willing to listen to my tales of woe? Or will you be annoyed that I actually answered the question?

Whenin relationships and your partner asks what you want out of a relationship, do you repl honestly or give the convenient answers that will keep them with you? When your friends become incompatible do you face that issue head on or pretend the incompatibility is what adds to the two of you guys charm? Are you working at your job for the paycheck or professional satisfaction?

So much of our daily lives are built on these convenient lies and we walk these paths comfortable and build or principles around justifying our comfortable lies. Is this right? Is this really truth?

I’m guilty. All my friends will tell you, Dew is the honest one. I do everything I can to be as honest as I can all the time. Even when its uncomfortable. I want to get to that point where I can embrace the complete truth. I’m not there and there’s no guarantee I will ever be but the intent, the heart felt desire is there…

That’s got to mean something.

SinSear

This weekend is the capital city classic which is a big deal. I don’t really go to football games anymore but I do like to party with my friends afterwards. I chose to stay at the house tonight, I’ve been running around so much I haven’t taken the time to calm my nerves. So tonight my nerves get be calmed.

Alot of things have been floating around in my head lately. A lot of people I talked to online have disappeared. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure how I ran them off but I’m sure its something I said. I can only apologize my intent was not to offend anyone. I’m not sure how effective blanket apologies are but it applies to this situation.

American Gangster is a great album and the movie isnt too shabby either. Just FYI.

I want another tattoo. I can’t really afford one right now but I feel that feeling that says its time. I have a couple ideas of what I should get but until I know what statement needs to be made, the urge will have to suffice.

I was looking at all my photos and whats missing is the pic of me enjoying myself. I do enjoy myself, ya know. Its just that I end not to have my camera at those functions and when one is present it usuall doesn’t belong to me. And beyond all of that I don’t like taking pictures. So there. But my goal is to take at least one where I’m with the crew having a good ole merry time.

Sorry nothing prolific to say tonight. Just break out the red lights, welcome to the party life…Trying to do your boy like Mike in his prime, Billie Jean, the got damn boy ain’t mine.

If you get it you’re broken too.

While wandering in a field of read I realized the world didn’t revolve around me. My ego called and said it wants its attention back. Carousel dreams like plastic horses made for entertainment move my footsteps in circles. Now words in this field become distorted and the message runs. Who am I to ask the trees to bleed so I can comprehend what’s going on? Not everyone will understand that blood from a tree in this field is ink on the page, well versed. Bled to make sense, laying on a ground walked on by wanderers. Crossed in thought. And disraction make for confusion causing lifegivers to give life in vain. There’s no more room to think straight.

And now that it all makes sense, I’m left standing still in a crooked position. No longer wandering just wondering over the course of steps I can’t take back.

To Rabbit

Since you like to sneak up on me
Here’s something else I can pretend
I didn’t let you find
I still listen to the song
engraved on our dog tags
and think about you
My hindsight
is blurred when sight
shows me wrong
But I’m here
For you
To listen at how wrong I was
Hurt is a sore
That hurts worse when scrapped
And I never intend
to scrap you away
Even if the sore never heals
Its just that
In our today
I can’t be what I was to you
Yesterday
And I don’t know what tomorrow will bring
For me and them
But I will always be present
For you
Even if its not as your heartbeat
But just as your bandaid

Dew 2007