I Want U

I spent so much time looking to my left at the one who let me go and looking to my right at the one I forced to move on, I failed to look in front of me.

Thankfully, you were strong enough to walk towards me anyway and show me you existed.

Human Encounter

I’m learning a lot about human interaction and relationships as of late. I’ve come across different people and very different relationships but the one thats emerging is most interesting.

I’m beginning to understand the cycle. I guess I always saw it but not enough or clearly enough to acknowledge its power. I’m spoiled. Getting my way is a by product of being me. I can’t remember being in a relationship that I didn’t want to do far more receiving than giving. But spending time with this someone new makes me want to give more than I receive.

I understand that this is how relationships should be. I understand that this is not how I have been in the past. But one of the main things plaguing me is the fact that as I move on I am forcing someone else to let go who had no intentions of doing so. At least not any time soon. I’m understanding the complexities of rejection. I told them not too long ago that I had no interest in a new relationship but I’m reconsidering that now.

What do you do? Do you deny your own happiness to prolong the comfort of someone you care for? Thee’s nothing healthy about it but it is what leads eople to lie.

I have seen a time in my life when I would take both what I wanted and continue to enable someone else in hopes of pleasing everyone. Not all intentions are malicious ones, even in situations of cheating. Yet, good intentions are still not acceptable reasons for dishonesty. Does it count that I was being honest when I said it?

Some people would question why even consider saying anything until seeing where this current interest goes? Is it not true that if I am considering the possibility of moving forward with someone else that I have no interest in moving in that direction with the ex?

I realize that until now, I really haven’t had to give anything. I really have been in these, what I referred to as relationships, when in actuallity they were individual encounters on multiple occasions. I wasn’t building anything with the other people. I was seeing them because they were available. I can only apologize. It still doesn’t seem like a fair exchange.

I apparently am an oblivious idiot. It has been pointed out repeatedly in the last few weeks. People have been revealing feelings that I never would have suspected. I accept part blame for that. My comfort zone requires that I do not entertain the thought that someone is interested in me unless they walk up to me and smack me in the face then say I like you. This is primarily for two reasons: My mom says I’m arrogant and the one person who I was that presumptious with ended up pulling my heart out of my chest and handing it to me. Ok that was dramatic but its how I felt so go figure.

I’m just revisiting something I already knew.Whish is that we spend so much time wrapped in ourselves that we lose sight of all the people and opportunities around us. Bad things happen, we have hard times but don’t let it take you away from living. Just because you’re breathing doesn’t mean you’re living.

No one in this realm of reality is perfect. Remember that when facing rejection, ridicule or teasing.

I’m not in love (with anyone). I am interested. I am willing. I am honest. There was always one or two things that made my significant others appealing but nothing that kept me from being bored. I’ve met someone who I really do think about all day instead of saying it because it makes them feel special. It is absolutely  necessary that we go slow. I still have some bags that I’m carrying that need to be emptied then done away with. I understand the importance of not rushing when its something you actually want to last.

Human nature is funny and quite sadistic. Be careful about giving your heart, not cautious, just careful. Accept that it may not work, accept that it may be a waste of time or that you just may find yourself at the shit end of the stick but also accept that the possibility that one human encounter of vulnerability and chance may be the one moment you’ve been living your life waiting on.

Be well.

You never know who’s falling in love with your smile

Today someone told me about a crush they had on me since we worked together back at SkyTel. This would have been 2002, I was surprised. I had no clue and couldn’t understand where it came from. I was really curious and riddled with questions but my body doesn’t show those types of emotions often. giddy isn’t me. At any rate, at the time the crush started I was in a weird place and didn’t notice anyone other than one person. But now with all of that behind me, I can see them clearly.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason?

The Expression

Everytime I think I’m done with you
You return
When I think I’ve said everything possible
To say
Something else more important
than every other statement surfaces
And I come back to you
Like an addict
Needing to be free
Wanting to be free
Understanding I am nothing without you
There’s nothing to me
If you aren’t here to give me substance
I apologize for thinking
I could live without you
No pipe, needle, or sexual experience
Could give me the high you do
So I return
Draped with the pen you require
Here to write myself out of withdrawal

Somedays.

Way too much going on in this head. My wall is slowly being chipped away. It takes all my effort to repair it constantly. Words seem less important after action dissipates. My fingetips are numb. I know further down the road the sun is shining, its just harder to see in the middle of the storm. I won’t stop walking though. I promise I wont. Just every now and then remind me putting one foot in front of the other is the easy part. Keeping the raindrops from burning my eyes is the chore.