Walk it out

The phrase ‘searching for freedom’ speaks volumes right now. We talked and though the ending was not made in heaven it was therapeutic at best. I’m glad it took place. Is it over? Not at all. I still have some walking to do but thankfully the path just got clearer.


You can only answer using lyrics…


1. ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL? Take this pink ribbon off my eyes /I’m exposed/And it’s no big surprise/Don’t you think I know/Exactly where I stand/This world is forcing me/To hold your hand/’Cause I’m just a girl/thats little ol’ me  (No Doubt / I’m Just A Girl)


2. WHAT TIME IS IT? I tried so hard/And got so far/But in the end/It doesn’t even matter (Linkin Park / In the End)


3. WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO SAY TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE? There’s another world inside of me that you may never see/There’s secrets in this life that I can’t hide/Somewhere in this darkness there’s a life that I can’t find/Maybe it’s too far away or maybe I’m just blind/So hold me when I’m here/ right me when I’m wrong/Hold me when I’m scared/ and love me when I’m gone/Everything I am and everything in me/Wants to be the one you wanted me to be/I’ll never let you down even if I could/I’d give up everything if only for your good (3 Doors Down / When I’m Gone)


4. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A FRIEND? Thank you for being a friend/ travel down this road and back again/ your heart is true/ you’re a pal and a confidante/ And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew/you would see the biggest gift would be from me/and the card attached would say/thank you for being a friend (The Golden Girls Theme Song)


5. WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO SAY TO SOMEONE YOU HATE? Take away hate/now I’m supposed to love the one that cursed me/The one that wouldn’t give me a cup of water when I was thirsty/It was always him versus me/but now I gotta teach him/Personal feelings put aside/cuz now I gotta reach him/What I’d like to do is turn my head/like I don’t know him/But it seems like I’ve been called on to show him/So I’ma show him/And if you never met me/then you’ve no right to judge me/I’ve got a good heart but this heart can get ugly (DMX / Look Through My Eyes)


6. WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO BROKE YOUR HEART? When your love is falling like the rain/I close my eyes and it falls again/When will I get the chance to say I love you/I pretend that you’re already mine/That my heart ain’t breaking every time/I look into your eyes/If only I could get through this (Daniel Bedingfield/ I Gotta Get Through This)


7. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND YOU HAVE LOST? You and me/We used to be together/Every day together always/I really feel/I’m losing my best friend/I can’t believe/This could be the end/It looks as though you’re letting go/And if it’s real/Well I don’t want to know/Don’t speak/I know just what you’re saying/So please stop explaining/Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts/Don’t speak/I know what you’re thinking/I don’t need your reasons/Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts/Our memories/They

can be inviting/But some are altogether/Mighty frightening/As we die, both you and I/With my head in my hands/I sit and cry/It’s all ending/I gotta stop pretending who we are/You and me/I can see us dying/are we? (No Doubt / Don’t Speak)


8. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW? I just need time to see where I wanna be/Where I wanna be? (Donell Jones / Where I Wanna Be)


9. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? Tumble outta bed/And stumble to the kitchen /Pour myself a cup of ambition /Yawnin’, stretchin’, try to come to life/Jump in the shower/And the blood starts pumpin’/Out on the streets/The traffic starts jumpin’/And folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 (Dolly Parton / 9 to 5)


10. WHAT/HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW? I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin’ you/(uh uh)/ An’ can’t nobody stop the juice/so baby tell me whats the use/I say!!/ It’s getting hot in Herre (Nelly / Hott In Herre)


11. WORDS/ADVICE OF WISDOM? Love is life/ and life is free/Take a ride on life with me/Free your mind and find your way/There will be a brighter day (Erykah Badu/ Didn’t Cha Know)


I was feeling like a 12 year old yesterday so I called my mommy and she came over and gave me some attention.

Hmm, I wonder if that’s why people think I’m spoiled?

At any rate, today I’m still bored. I’m working on a story I know I won’t finish before Monday. Yet, after Monday I know I won’t have time to fully invest in it. Damn this ADD.

I’m just kidding. I don’t really have ADD. Or do I?

Incoherent Babble

I have a lot on the brain right now. All or most of it has to do with relationships. I find myself moving closer to a resolve but what is holding me back? Why do I always feel the need to talk out what I am feeling with the person who has affected me. Why can’t I make a decision despite them? I think I finally see the ending to the story. Yet I am still afraid of putting it on paper. Maybe you don’t understand.

Today while talking to an admirer on the phone I was asked had I ever been in love. After answering honestly, I was asked why I wasn’t with that person. I answered, because that person does not want to be with me. Two years ago I would not have been able to formulate the words. But the truth should always be the easiest to share. It should be.

I was told I didn’t seem like the type of person who didn’t go after what they wanted. I didn’t seem like someone who would let no be an answer. But with this person it was. Part of me believes because I never thought myself worthy of being with them in the first place. That is major honesty and a major blow to my ego but again the truth should always be the easiest.

Under normal circumstances I don’t let no stop me, it may prolong me but never stop me.

I don’t know where I was going with this.

Or maybe I do. I’ve love T for so long and I don’t know why I can’t get it thru my head that we will never be we. Move on. But technically I have moved on. Technically I have told myself more than  once that I will never have more than friendship with them. But the longing doesn’t seem to dissipate. It doesn’t pain me like it used to. I can look without crying now. And all of it just seems odd to me. I should be pass this after 6 long years. But I’m not. I still wait for the IM that only comes sparingly. I still wait for the phone call that only comes sparingly. I keep waiting for the yes to a question I never asked.

I laid in bed with my significant other thinking of how to let go of a relationship that never took place. How to give my heart to the one who loves me unconditionally.

My friends call me the enlightened one. I’m supposed to be the one who recognizes right and stands up for it. So why do I always feel so wrong?

I know Lyn isnt the one for me. I know she deserves so much better even if she doesn’t believe it for herself. Its just been so long without closure I don’t know how to exist without the twinge of bitterness behind my eyes. I want to. I want to be able to say it really doesn’t matter whether I hear from Terri or not. I want to say it really doesn’t matter whether I ever speak to her again. But that’s a lie.

And she doesn’t help either. Stalking my page, reading my blogs. I don’t understand why it was fine as long as she thought I didn’t know. As soon as I got mad and let it out that I knew she went ghost on me. But I know she still checks it. Why do that? The circumstances have always been so tumultous, its just so damn draining.

If I thought I could get straight answers from her I would ask. But she won’t commit to being upfront. Not with me. I don’t understand why. I’m sick of wondering. I’ve run out of guesses. So now with all my love, resentment bubbles over. Now I’m cynical.

The poems are the result of surpressed desire. I have so much growing to do. Then again, don’t we all?