I have a lot on the brain right now. All or most of it has to do with relationships. I find myself moving closer to a resolve but what is holding me back? Why do I always feel the need to talk out what I am feeling with the person who has affected me. Why can’t I make a decision despite them? I think I finally see the ending to the story. Yet I am still afraid of putting it on paper. Maybe you don’t understand.
Today while talking to an admirer on the phone I was asked had I ever been in love. After answering honestly, I was asked why I wasn’t with that person. I answered, because that person does not want to be with me. Two years ago I would not have been able to formulate the words. But the truth should always be the easiest to share. It should be.
I was told I didn’t seem like the type of person who didn’t go after what they wanted. I didn’t seem like someone who would let no be an answer. But with this person it was. Part of me believes because I never thought myself worthy of being with them in the first place. That is major honesty and a major blow to my ego but again the truth should always be the easiest.
Under normal circumstances I don’t let no stop me, it may prolong me but never stop me.
I don’t know where I was going with this.
Or maybe I do. I’ve love T for so long and I don’t know why I can’t get it thru my head that we will never be we. Move on. But technically I have moved on. Technically I have told myself more than once that I will never have more than friendship with them. But the longing doesn’t seem to dissipate. It doesn’t pain me like it used to. I can look without crying now. And all of it just seems odd to me. I should be pass this after 6 long years. But I’m not. I still wait for the IM that only comes sparingly. I still wait for the phone call that only comes sparingly. I keep waiting for the yes to a question I never asked.
I laid in bed with my significant other thinking of how to let go of a relationship that never took place. How to give my heart to the one who loves me unconditionally.
My friends call me the enlightened one. I’m supposed to be the one who recognizes right and stands up for it. So why do I always feel so wrong?
I know Lyn isnt the one for me. I know she deserves so much better even if she doesn’t believe it for herself. Its just been so long without closure I don’t know how to exist without the twinge of bitterness behind my eyes. I want to. I want to be able to say it really doesn’t matter whether I hear from Terri or not. I want to say it really doesn’t matter whether I ever speak to her again. But that’s a lie.
And she doesn’t help either. Stalking my page, reading my blogs. I don’t understand why it was fine as long as she thought I didn’t know. As soon as I got mad and let it out that I knew she went ghost on me. But I know she still checks it. Why do that? The circumstances have always been so tumultous, its just so damn draining.
If I thought I could get straight answers from her I would ask. But she won’t commit to being upfront. Not with me. I don’t understand why. I’m sick of wondering. I’ve run out of guesses. So now with all my love, resentment bubbles over. Now I’m cynical.
The poems are the result of surpressed desire. I have so much growing to do. Then again, don’t we all?