Simposium

My mind has been going so many places lately. Why is it so hard to be a good person? Why is it that everything that you shouldn’t do is so easy to do yet the consequences can be so damaging? Think about relationships, jobs, even eating. The examples are everywhere.

I don’t like the responsibility that comes from having someone’s emotions in my hands. I am too irresponsible and selfish to effectively handle it.

No matter what my mouth says my eyes tell the truth.

Dear you,

I’m flawed. I can be insensitive and selfish and I don’t try as hard to change that as I could. I watched you today. Doing everything but telling me to leave. Yesterday still sitting in the back of you mind. You forgave me. I’m grateful. But I know it won’t be the last time. I loved hard once. I think I’m making all of you pay for the rejection I suffered. I try to be honest. I don’t want you to ever think I lied. I know you want me to let you in but it’s so much easier to keep you guessing. It’s what I’m used too. You should have been satisfied with my friendship. Then you would have most of me. But loving me is a chore. And you’re already working overtime. I appreciate the effort. I don’t deserve it. Save yourself the time and clock out.

You’ll never be them especially now that I have let them go. My eyes know the truth, so does your heart. Save me under the file for good conversation. But take your love and give it to someone who can love you back.

Always,
A.

Pocket

I keep my hands in my pocket 
because its easier than slapping you in the face
with this brand new me

Perfect Match

I have been searching my brain to find what kind of person I’m looking for. Normally all we know about this person is how they should look but my first mind is what their character and personality should be like. 

1. I want someone who intrigues me. This is a must. If you bore me I can never love you and probably hardly respect you so intrigue has to be one of the important ones. 

2. Be able to teach me something new. Learning is my thing. Ironic for someone with no degree but I enjoy learning new things constantly. So anyone who can challenge me to do more and learn more is hot in my book.

3.Have thick skin. I can’t stress this enough. I’m an asshole and I have a bad habit of discounting what someone says if I disagree. I’m not judging you and I believe in your right to express you opinion so have enough intestinal fortitude to stand your ground.

a. I have been told I tend to make people feel stupid. This has never been something I have done intentionally. I would stop it but I don’t know how I’m doing it. So have enough thick skin to tell me to go to hell every once and a while. Not literally, of course.

4. Confidence is next to godliness. Please don’t be one of those people who needs my opinion for everything. Yes for important decisions include me, by all means. But I would prefer you already have an opinion on politics before we meet and one that expands announcing your political affiliation. 

a.I have this issue about people thinking it is taboo to discuss the big three. The type of person who is for me is one who thrives off those discussions. Race, religion and politics being discussed is the only way we can open dialogue and compell understanding. If you are someone who can not discuss at least 2 of those topics with some conviction then there wouldn’t be anything between us but aggravation. 

5. Sense of humor. People tend to think intellectuals are stuffy, luckily I’m not an intellectual. I’m just Dew. That’s the only label I have, thats the only label I care to have. All I want to do is enjoy the rest of my life. I love to laugh, laughing is great and infectious and erotic. 

a. This should not be confused with immaturity or foolishness. Swerving in and out of traffic lanes in a car doing 70mph is not humorous or fun to me. But wit and irony are hilarious. I look at like this, different strokes for different folks. Take it this way if you liked Beavis and Butthead more than Daria then there’s probably no future for us.

i.Sex is great. GREAT. But I would much rather be seduced and romanced than felt up and groped. I am in to subtlety, now once the ball gets rolling thats a whole ‘nother story but in the beginning, whatyou say out of your  mouth goes a long long way. At least until the next time and we have to start all over.

6.Trust. I know to some this should have been first but these weren’t necessarily in order of importance. They are all equally important where I’m concerned. Trust me to be me. I’m not perfect but I try my best to be a good person and not to lie to anyone. I do weird stuff. I may wake up in the middle of the night and go for a drive. I may withdraw for a little while and not talk. I attempt to let you know upfront and tell you these things may happen so you can understand them. You can’t change them and trying to only makes it harder on you. So trust me to be me. As weird and unusual as I can be. 

7. Read. Read. Read. Read. I mean you may not be reading plato’s republic with me but read something. Even if its contemporary dribble (see 3 if dribble offended you), read something. start at the beginning and make your way to the ending. And get this we can even discuss it once you’re done. And yes to me that is utterly exciting. Reading is a way to broaden the scope of you knowledgebase. The more you read the better conversation you can have. Now personally I love an occaisional dialogue on the merits of religious validity in a seemingly amoral society but sometimes I’ll take a nice little hate spew for dumb ass contestants on Big Brother8. Range, people, the word is range.

I think this is a good list so far. Of course I will continue to think this through, I’m sure there will be more I can add later but for now this is an excellent work in progress.

American Beauty

“Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

One for the road

My heart never caved
but my eyes stayed fixed 
so long
on the bag
the bag blowing along
looking for a reason to settle
Looking for the calm
and I thought 
it was me
I thought I had the way
But I spoke too soon
and now
it has blown away from me
My eyes have watered over 
from the stare
My vision blurred from the loss
Yet my heart remains
And that much stronger
for having recognized love

Farewell.

My form of doodling

It’s okay to let go
sometimes its better 
than holding on too tight
watch me wash you away
lay it down
soak in kerosene
now douse me in oxygen
I want to breathe fire
Set ablaze in this world
without guilt
Break my heart
and let me live
Hose me down 
now let me go