Only to sleep

When you get so wrapped in wanting to be with someone that you discover you have disconnected from yourself it is then you must begin the journey to finding yourself. 

I looked up one day after 3 years and realized I had lost myself in loving someone else. I didn’t know what I wanted or enjoyed anymore because I had become so accustomed to putting the needs and desires of someone else ahead of mine. In those situations there is nothing to be created must you seek the essence of what was there before in order to accurately build upon your established foundation.

When you have foundation problems you don’t build a new one next door. You fix the problem, which calls for first finding what the problem is. 

I’ve been reading through some old chats and some old blogs that unfortunately predate myspace so you’ll never read them since you honestly don’t need to know just how obsessive compulsive I really am, but I think thats where the somberness and sensitivity is coming from. 

I’m missing the romance of it all, I guess. The good and the bad. It’s funny the one thing I’ve always been good at is reading the eyes. Especially yours. But what your mouth (or hands when typing) would say would always be different from what I saw. Even today. 

I guess I resented the fact that I couldn’t lie about what sparkled in my eyes. I never have been able to do so. Makes sense that I avoid eye contact. Not intentionally, just naturally. 

I’m farther away from you now than I’ve ever been but when I close my eyes I see you more than I ever have. I feel you more than you would ever allow. The balance is there now the pain and love, answers and questions. 

It’s always so freeing to let this out but I hate the fact that it reveals I’m so not healed. I still don’t have closure and that’s more threatening to my current relationship than to my peace of mind. 

I’m off to do something constructive with my life.

Be well.

My eyes are burning

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. At least the crying has stopped.

I start my new job in about 2 weeks. Major pay cut but at least I’m working right…
I have to take in a roommate in order to cover the difference for a while. She’s a pretty good friend and already knows how anal I am. My concern is the friend who’s already here and the new roommate meshing together. One’s white, one’s black, this should get interesting. Although I think both of them will keep to themselves pretty much so I doubt they’d talk to one another. Not to mention Lyn won’t be here but on weekends really so we’ll see. 

The situation helps everyone but a part of me still misses the complete silence and empty space. Eventually I’ll get over myself…don’t count on it. 

On a completely different note, I want to play tennis.