Tonight I think I finally realized how committed I am to not having children. My childhood was tumultuos to say the least but I’m over. When I fuck up, I don’t say oh I fucked up because my father was an alcoholic. I don’t fuck up and say oh its because I’ve been homeless. I fuck up and go damn I need to make sure that doesn’t happen again, my bad.
I am scared of being emotionally bound to anyone. Could this explain my self destructive behavior when it comes to love, possibly. Probably.
At one point in my life the I felt that no one loved me. I felt this because for some reason I guess I thought I didn’t deserve love. But everyone deserves love. But, you have to be willing to be loved.
Every relationship I have seen has been broken. My parents, my own, my mom and my sister, the only reason I have someone now is because they refuse to give up on me. And some dark corner in the realm of my mind probably intentionally pushes them to a breaking point.
I have never admitted this to anyone not but I have considered having children. At one point I even dreamed of a son. The father of that would-be child now lives in North Carolina and though I don’t love him romantically, I know one day he will make someone a proud husband. The reason I am committed to not having children is because I am afraid I am not strong enough to break the cycle. No child should have to question whether there mother loves them. No child should have to travel the road of bitterness and resentment to get the point of recovery. yet in my family this seems to be the cycle that can not be broken.
Make no mistake I love my mother but it took time for me to let go of a childhood that reaked of longing. I don’t find myself to be strong enough not to be selfish. I don’t find myself strong enough not to be cynical.
I want all the love can find to give me but ask me to return it and I don’t know how to move beyond what’s comfortable.
I know, I know. Once you have a child all of that goes at of the window but I’m not willing to test the theory.
I have never been pregnant. Though I am pro-choice I do believe if I were pregnant I would have to have the child but under extreme protest which leads me back to my original apprehension.
You have to forgive me, somewhere during the journey I have forgotten my point. I just know that I am comfortable where I am emotionally. I know that I am loved and that settles me. Maybe one day before its too late I may feel that I am ready to be responsible for the life of another but for right now I will just enjoy being.