Admittedly I am not the poster child for relationships. My friend and I were talking today about passwords and going into your significant other’s account. I have done this once. And only once, since then I have simply held to my belief that if I distrust you so much that I have to follow in behind you then I don’t need to be with you.
Unfortunately I am the exception. I was told that you look because you don’t want to end up ‘played’. Played? The only way any one can you play is if you give more than you are comfortable with. Dew, what are you talking about? Well, I am talking about boundaries. Set them. Keep them. Know that you are worth being waited on. Know that you are worth being faithful to. Know that you deserve honesty and respect and accept nothing less. If you stop tolerating bullshit from these know-nothings then you will see your level of options change. You find yourself dealing with people who want more than a myspace freak. If you mnake up your mind that you want put up with the foolishness then you will find getting played is no longer any option.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin, usually the guilty side but still. I know its a risk either way. I go into all my relationships attempting to be as honest as possible, whether you believe in my honesty is up to you. I come with baggage. You will never be first on my list. My career is most important. I don’t want kids. Until I meet someone who can change those things, they stand as they are. I’m honest enough to tell you that, if you choose to hang in there with me, thats on you. I say that because it pains me to see so many of my friends hanging on to guys, buying them things they can’t afford, going out on a hanging limb emotionally to keep someone who gives them nothing in return but a phone conversation and an orgasm.
It all goes back to loving yourself first. If you can love yourself first then you won’t feel compelled to pay for love or bribe your way into a relationship. “If I just keep fucking him/her I’ll get a commitment.” “If I just keep holding on, they’ll see that I’m the soldier they need me to be” Or they’ll see that they can call you anytime for a good fuck and free counseling?
What I am saying is hard to digest I know. It actually requires you to sit in a room by yourself on more than one occasion. How dare I ask so much of you. Hey, all I can do is suggest it, if you’re happy with the course of things, ignore me and my responsibility pish posh. I’ll still be here at 3 in the morning when you want to discuss the wedding invitation you received in the mail from the guy you slept with yesterday that told you you were the apple of his eye. Here’s my shoulder, embrace it.
I went to a bachlorette party Saturday, it was interesting. Triple X was there. I had forgotten how rambunctous women could be in the presence of a naked man. I have pictures, innocent ones of course. It was good to see the old work people despite how I feel about them they are fun as hell to be around. Especially with grey goose in the mix.
I don’t know.
Part of me knows
the best way to say good-bye
is to close the door.
I want this to be over
ths visit down memory lane
That always ends up here
This constant struggle
To let go
It would be different
had you never known
had you never read
I can be angry at you
For comprehending the message
But never as angry as I am at myself
for the expression.
It took 6 months to find
A love that lasts forever
And there seems to be
To the emotion in these fingertips
That express themselves
about you and the happy ending
You enjoy with someone else
I stare at this door
holding it open
not to hold on to what never was
But determined, blindly
not to give up
on what could be
When you get so wrapped in wanting to be with someone that you discover you have disconnected from yourself it is then you must begin the journey to finding yourself.
I looked up one day after 3 years and realized I had lost myself in loving someone else. I didn’t know what I wanted or enjoyed anymore because I had become so accustomed to putting the needs and desires of someone else ahead of mine. In those situations there is nothing to be created must you seek the essence of what was there before in order to accurately build upon your established foundation.
When you have foundation problems you don’t build a new one next door. You fix the problem, which calls for first finding what the problem is.
I’ve been reading through some old chats and some old blogs that unfortunately predate myspace so you’ll never read them since you honestly don’t need to know just how obsessive compulsive I really am, but I think thats where the somberness and sensitivity is coming from.
I’m missing the romance of it all, I guess. The good and the bad. It’s funny the one thing I’ve always been good at is reading the eyes. Especially yours. But what your mouth (or hands when typing) would say would always be different from what I saw. Even today.
I guess I resented the fact that I couldn’t lie about what sparkled in my eyes. I never have been able to do so. Makes sense that I avoid eye contact. Not intentionally, just naturally.
I’m farther away from you now than I’ve ever been but when I close my eyes I see you more than I ever have. I feel you more than you would ever allow. The balance is there now the pain and love, answers and questions.
It’s always so freeing to let this out but I hate the fact that it reveals I’m so not healed. I still don’t have closure and that’s more threatening to my current relationship than to my peace of mind.
I’m off to do something constructive with my life.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. At least the crying has stopped.
I start my new job in about 2 weeks. Major pay cut but at least I’m working right…
I have to take in a roommate in order to cover the difference for a while. She’s a pretty good friend and already knows how anal I am. My concern is the friend who’s already here and the new roommate meshing together. One’s white, one’s black, this should get interesting. Although I think both of them will keep to themselves pretty much so I doubt they’d talk to one another. Not to mention Lyn won’t be here but on weekends really so we’ll see.
The situation helps everyone but a part of me still misses the complete silence and empty space. Eventually I’ll get over myself…don’t count on it.
On a completely different note, I want to play tennis.