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Archives | love&light


I call’em ghosts. They are the people who feel closest to us but they are the strangers we never know. Sometimes they can be people we know. In the technology age they are so many ways to spy on people or spook them. I have an ex who has a friend of theirs keep dibs on my blog almost daily. Some would probably be pissed and initially it bothered me but I understand it. There have been people I wanted to know about but was either too timid to ask or they were unwilling to share openly.

I have co-workers who read my page and I always wonder why not join my friends list? But there is something here or something about me that keeps them interested even if at a distance.

But what about in real life? How many people know how often you dig in your nose or talk to yourself? How many people know about all the things you do and think you are doing in secret?

I’m not talking about any voodoo hoojoo, I mean real people in real life watching you. Eye spying. A lot of my day is spent observing people; the changes in their voices when they get mad or agitated. The slight change in facial expression when they are about to lie or a thought has escaped them. Its the small things that we hardly pay attention to that reveal the most about our character. All anyone has to do is pay attention.

I have a friend who puts her hand at her temple whenever she’s forgotten something. Another friend bites her lip when she’s telling the truth. I tend to blink alot when I start spazzing out or get really frustrated. Whenever I am uncomfortable I wiggle my toes to calm myself in order to get to sleep. I laugh hysterically when I am scared. A couple of these were pointed out to me by someone else.

Now I pay closer attention to the small things. They seem to be the most important. I’m going to go wiggle my toes now. Sleep tight.

…by the pale moonlight

The taste of deception is much sweeter
than that of loneliness
Time robs patience bare
Til nothing remains in the heart 
But lust
Sensibility gives way to desire
Carnal rage living in these fingertips
Begging for skin
Smooth as silk
And unfamiliar
One kiss to corrupt a committed soul
While lips linger in vibration
The sensation of the forbidden
cemented in the possibility of the unforgiven
Finds that the nectar of deception
tastes like heartbreak miles away

15 eyes

Ok I have a slight issue. I have a problem to be more exact. This is a problem that seems to be more and more prevelent. Why is it that the only images of heavy black women on television or heavy women period always portrays them chasing after a man? I can not accurately explain how bad this pisses me off. Don’t believe me?

1. Mo’nique in almost anything she plays in

2. Norbit

3. Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls (excellent portrayal but still…And I am telling you, let his ass go)

4. The social worker on Ugly Betty

In an episode of SVU the High School glam squad basically picked on this fat girl til she killed someone. Seriously? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Look I have always been overweight and basically you have two choices, get over yourself or lose the frikking weight. I remember being picked on in High School and sometimes it was because of my weight but you bust back on the person who’s tripping and keep it moving.

Why are we raising such a generation of punks. It is the parents responsibility to instill in their children a sense of self-worth. What do you people think High School is for? High School is primarily where you learn social skills. This is where you should learn that if a guy doesn’t like you, fine, i promise you will find two more who do. At least I did. I remember I really liked Sean for whatever reason. And when he rejected me, I was like damn. Oh well. And that was it. It was all in the course of maybe a day or two and I was done. Really, I don’t think he turned me down because I heavy, it more so because I was a thug and he was into safe girls or more demure. At least thats impression I got. My heart wasn’t broken, I wasn’t crushed, the world frikking moved on. Everyone is not going to like you. And, thats ok.

I am tired of the negative images that we are feeding children. Do you know….I have an ex boyfriend who started smoking because he wanted to fit in with the older guy that lived around my way. From that day to this one I have repeatedly reminded him what a knuckle head he is for doing that. Granted he stopped smoking a few years ago because he realized I was right. Well d’uh!

When I was in high school for some strange idiotic reason I thought looking like a lush was cool. Until one day a played a small joke on a whole lot of people and realized we are all insecure about something. Whether its weight or brains or fitting-in in general EVERYONE has insecurities. The trick is to deal with them effectively.

I know that’s easier said than done. I know how many kids I went to school with bragging about how much sex they were having when they didn’t really lose their virginity until college.

Being who you are takes strength. Being comfortable with who you are takes wisdom and courge. Rejection happens. That doesn’t make you less of a person. Don’t tie your worth up in what someone else thinks of you that is surely a road to distruction. (Why do I feel like I have been misspelling everything lately)

Anyway I’m done with my rant I guess.

Just rememebr that the world you see on tv is just that, a world created to entertain you. It is not meant for you to idolize or deify. And, if someone you like doesn’t like you keep in mind it’s their bad, not yours.


Now that you and I seem to be better friends, I wish we could sit down and fill in some of the blanks.

Cellphone nostalgia too early for the birds

Break my heart before breakfast
Let me down
Before dawn
So by nitefall
I can love again

I had a dream that I handed u time
All the hours in the universe that would ever be mine
And ur face showed the tale
Of a satisfied grin
All the while losing the battle
Of holding tears in




I’m one step away
From being on the edge
How do I get there
If I’m already falling?

Brown leather jacket
And nintendo
Mario kart
And patience
Chimichunga beginnings
And Swordfish regrets
Fear of fear
And silence of the lambs
Que sera sera
And akwardness
American beauty
And longing
Futon friday nights 
And us