Reflecting on a few years back.

 

After the Fight


I can barely sleep
With discontent on my heart
With you on my mind
Guilt in the air
And fault roaming the streets blind
 
Tossing with every other breath
Counting the seconds
Between thoughts of you
Waiting to start
 
Turning over intentions
Flipping through reasons
Not to call you
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
 
Seeing the look on your heart
When my words slapped you in the face
Watching you swallow the sword
That cut every inch of me away from you
 
Rehearsing my apology
That will never see life
Inhaling fear filled air
Polluting my thoughts
With forgive-me-nots
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
 
My dreams of us
Are turning into nightmares of I
-N-C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-and
 
Now I can’t breathe
 
I’m gasping for air
I need your hand
To put out this fire
That’s raging in my soul
 
We were too close together
To be this far apart
And without you I am suffering
 
3rd degree burns to my pride
2nd degree assault on my conscience
And you have been found guilty
On 1 count of breaking my heart
AGAIN
 
These white walls
All show me you
On different days
In different styles
 
I can almost taste you in the air
I can feel your fingerprints on my skin
I can smell your disgust a mile away
And not even my dreams
Can tell me what good this life would be
Without you
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
Because I can not think of anything else
But you
 


© Dew 2002
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Still reflecting…

Life Before You

There were…
No tears

No confusion
There was acceptance of who I was
And what I was notUntil I met you

 
Forgot to be comfortable with myself
I became addicted to your words of encouragement
Became intoxicated with your touch
Your smile
Your way of leading me not to care
For anything but you
 
Had to be reminded
There was life before you
 
Of course you never requested that I put you first
You only implied
And I can’t blame you
I can only move on
 
Separating myself from thoughts of you
Picking up the pieces
Putting away the toys
We once enjoyed
Mainly pieces of my broken heart
Parts of a friendship gone cold
 
Remembering to place my faith back in God
 
Focusing once again on who it was I aimed to be
Concentrating on loving me again
Taking road trips within myself
To regain the confidence you broke
 
Breaking away
 
Back to peace
Back to understanding
 
Life before you became that apple
The windows to my soul craved
 
There was life before you
And even though without you
I thought apart of me died
 
There will be life after you
Little did I know
The heart of me survived
 
Revived with words of hope
From those around me
Who wanted to see me cope
 
And I’ll always remember you
The good and the bad
 
It’s just sad
We could not catch common ground
 
Though today I sit wound
In a lesson
That I owe all to strife
 
But never again
No not ever again
Will I put you before life© Dew 2002

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I was reading my first collection of poetry, Scared, earlier and was reminded how emotional that time was for me. It’s funny that as evolved as I choose to think I am, the poetry I write today still refers to the same person, just not as angry. It’s okay to love someone. It’s even okay if they don’t love you back. The struggle is in letting go of the resentment and not taking it personal. Which is so much easier said than done. We all have preferences. I like sage jimmy dean sausage as opposed to regular. I don’t like spicy anything. And, I would much rather you have a lil hair or at least stubble than have no hair at all. I like Playstation, losers like Xbox, I wish I was joking. But, no matter your preference, it is your choice. 

The worse feeling is to feel completely overlooked by someone who you have invested so much emotion into. That’s when the helplessness sets in. That’s when its time to do some self-evaluating. Know who you are and what you have to offer. If you recognize things that are not appealing make the decision to change them or accept them. Then move on. 

I’m one to talk, I know, but not being with the person who has my heart doesn’t really make me sad anymore. I use that emotion as inspiration. I’ll stop rambling now. I think you get the point. 

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