We are cruel, Love is not.

Reflecting on a few years back.

 

After the Fight


I can barely sleep
With discontent on my heart
With you on my mind
Guilt in the air
And fault roaming the streets blind
 
Tossing with every other breath
Counting the seconds
Between thoughts of you
Waiting to start
 
Turning over intentions
Flipping through reasons
Not to call you
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
 
Seeing the look on your heart
When my words slapped you in the face
Watching you swallow the sword
That cut every inch of me away from you
 
Rehearsing my apology
That will never see life
Inhaling fear filled air
Polluting my thoughts
With forgive-me-nots
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
 
My dreams of us
Are turning into nightmares of I
-N-C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-and
 
Now I can’t breathe
 
I’m gasping for air
I need your hand
To put out this fire
That’s raging in my soul
 
We were too close together
To be this far apart
And without you I am suffering
 
3rd degree burns to my pride
2nd degree assault on my conscience
And you have been found guilty
On 1 count of breaking my heart
AGAIN
 
These white walls
All show me you
On different days
In different styles
 
I can almost taste you in the air
I can feel your fingerprints on my skin
I can smell your disgust a mile away
And not even my dreams
Can tell me what good this life would be
Without you
 
I wonder are you thinking of me
Because I can not think of anything else
But you
 


© Dew 2002
**************************************************

Still reflecting…

Life Before You

There were…
No tears

No confusion
There was acceptance of who I was
And what I was notUntil I met you

 
Forgot to be comfortable with myself
I became addicted to your words of encouragement
Became intoxicated with your touch
Your smile
Your way of leading me not to care
For anything but you
 
Had to be reminded
There was life before you
 
Of course you never requested that I put you first
You only implied
And I can’t blame you
I can only move on
 
Separating myself from thoughts of you
Picking up the pieces
Putting away the toys
We once enjoyed
Mainly pieces of my broken heart
Parts of a friendship gone cold
 
Remembering to place my faith back in God
 
Focusing once again on who it was I aimed to be
Concentrating on loving me again
Taking road trips within myself
To regain the confidence you broke
 
Breaking away
 
Back to peace
Back to understanding
 
Life before you became that apple
The windows to my soul craved
 
There was life before you
And even though without you
I thought apart of me died
 
There will be life after you
Little did I know
The heart of me survived
 
Revived with words of hope
From those around me
Who wanted to see me cope
 
And I’ll always remember you
The good and the bad
 
It’s just sad
We could not catch common ground
 
Though today I sit wound
In a lesson
That I owe all to strife
 
But never again
No not ever again
Will I put you before life© Dew 2002

************************************************

 

I was reading my first collection of poetry, Scared, earlier and was reminded how emotional that time was for me. It’s funny that as evolved as I choose to think I am, the poetry I write today still refers to the same person, just not as angry. It’s okay to love someone. It’s even okay if they don’t love you back. The struggle is in letting go of the resentment and not taking it personal. Which is so much easier said than done. We all have preferences. I like sage jimmy dean sausage as opposed to regular. I don’t like spicy anything. And, I would much rather you have a lil hair or at least stubble than have no hair at all. I like Playstation, losers like Xbox, I wish I was joking. But, no matter your preference, it is your choice. 

The worse feeling is to feel completely overlooked by someone who you have invested so much emotion into. That’s when the helplessness sets in. That’s when its time to do some self-evaluating. Know who you are and what you have to offer. If you recognize things that are not appealing make the decision to change them or accept them. Then move on. 

I’m one to talk, I know, but not being with the person who has my heart doesn’t really make me sad anymore. I use that emotion as inspiration. I’ll stop rambling now. I think you get the point. 

Fragile

I am the subtotal of my experiences
Nothing makes me whole
Anything can break me apart
Something keeps me together

I’m holding on to these words for dear life
Dear life,
    Don’t let go.

Corporate America is Plotting to Kill me

I lie awake at night 
Trying to figure out a way 
To get away from them
And there benefits
But poetry doesn’t pay 23/hr
And the bank won’t accept ideas for as mortgage payments
So I made a deal with the devil
And he’s holding me to it
They say slavery ended
But it just got smarter
Stopped thinking small
Turned cotton into customer service
Now slave songs are hushed by 401 K
Masta don’t need no whip
I makes the donuts everyday
And asks no questions
Because I know what being poor feels like
And anything is better
My chair started eating away at my back
I tried to jump off the third floor into freedom
The windows were made of plexiglass
A memo was on my desk
Corporate America now offers counseling
Company sponsored godsends that have records of your suicide attempts
Not happy working here
Corporate America wants to build bridges
By helping you be the best you, you can be
Even if that means sending you from here
Hope you find a nice place to find yourself
Get all those poems out of your system
Then find somewhere else to try again
Forty hours a week answering phones
And solving problems
Makes you wonder who you are
Corporate America knows
But they’re not telling
They dangled a plaque in my face for good work
I picked cotton til midnight the next day
Doctor said I was too sick to keep on this way
I explained I was too sick not to
He warned the cold will lead to infection if I don’t get rest
I explained I get rest twice a day for fifteen minutes each
Corporate America is plotting to kill me
And I think they may succeed

Friends into Lovers

So last night the question was posed to me, “What is the difference between friendship and a relationship?” 

Am I wrong to say the physical nature of the relationship makes it a romantic relationship right? No matter what flavor you enjoy, you expect certain things from friends and other things from romantic interests. Right? 

For instance, my friends know my life, my ups and down, I expect them to be constant parts of this circle. I expect them to support me when I need that emotional balance and call me out when I’m BSing. The story, past future and present I share across the board with my Friends. But with that person, the one that gets you giddy when they send you a text message, the one that smile and the little ice cream cone sitting behind your eyes melts, the one that you let call you the nickname you would cringe if anyone knew that person gets all of you. The story and the paper. The pen and the commitment. 

When something happens they are the first person you want to come hold you or console you or celebrate with you. When the naughty thoughts start to peak out above the covers, thats the first call you make. The person that turns lust into love, sex into love-making and bad days into bearable. 

I could be wrong. I mean everyone has there on definition and idea of what they are looking for. This is mine. What’s yours?

Lost

A few months ago a friend, who I have known since I was 5, up and disappeared. I don’t mean someone I knew of, someone I saw around, I mean someone whose parents considered me a second child. I mean someone who when I was homeless gave me a place to stay. I mean a Friend, with the capital F. As we got older we didn’t talk as much. She really only called when she needed a hiding place from all the drama in her life but I always knew where she was and how she was doing. 

Sometime around August or September I noticed it had been longer than the customary 2 month period since I heard from her. So naturally I called her. Number disconnected. So I went to her house. Looked like no one lived there. But she never stayed home long so that wasn’t really a shocker. And her phone bill got paid when she felt like it, so it being disconnected was no big deal either. 

What was a surprise was one of her friends who she communicates with on a regular basis tracked me down and asked if I had heard from her. That’s when I got nervous. At this point, I’m like what can I do? Well after some very fine investigating we find out she skyyed up with some young chap in Greenville, changed her numbers and basically cut herself off from us. 

I should mention she lost both of her parents within 2 years of each other and was an only child. She projected her need for love onto men she would meet online and I guess she found one that said exactly what she needed to hear. 

Friday, I was paying a bill when the clerk asked me if we had a mutual friend. I’m like who? She said her name and I just smiled. My bad smile not my good one, if you know me you know the one. I asked if she had talked to her, ready to pull information out of the stranger but she said she hadn’t. She told me the last she heard was that our friend had left the guy in Greenville to be with some guy in Chicago.

I wish her no ill-will. Oh, I was angry at first at why she would do this. I’m still a little angry but more than anything I am concerned. No matter what state she’s in or what man she’s with she’ll never find what she’s looking for until she finds herself.  

Nicole, I hope you’re safe. And, if or when you decide to come home, you have friends waiting.