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Archives | love&light

Love, users, right hands left.

I have a slight dilemma which really isn’t a dilemma at all but still a situation. I have two hands. On the one hand I have the person I am completely and wholly in-love with. That secret person that only your best friend knows all the foolish, crazy stuff you’ve done and been thru over them. Yea, that person. Now the fully functional part of my brain completely understands that I will never be able to be anything more than a friend to this person. But, my heart, my heart can understand the words coming out of my mouth. So everyone gets compared to this hand (the right hand by the way), anything I’m doing when they call or text or IM gets postponed. Once I was in the middle of traffic and jumped lanes to meet them for coffee.

On the left hand is everyone else. Nice ones, funny ones, loving ones, working ones, spoiling ones but they are never the rightone.

I am stubborn.

I never really told the right hand to its face how much I love it.

Did I mention the right hand is in-love with someone else?

But I am always there with an open ear. I’m happy they would consider me a close enough friend to come to me but it still hurts because in my mind I’m thinking, I would never make you hurt like that. But really you can never tell. You really only think that because you long for the opportunity to prove it.

I hurt someone who loves me unconditionally. And honestly, as much as I don’t want to admit to myself or anyone else, I believe I hurt them simply because I am still waiting. Waiting to prove it. How long can I keep finding reasons to ignore my left hand?

When my right hand and I aren’t speaking I’m miserable. When we are speaking, I never want it to stop. Again, I’m functional. Realistically, I know we will never be together but the idea keeps me inspired. And the only thing I love more than my right hand is poetry.

I have considered reverting to the days of my wayward youth and using my left hand for all the physical satisfaction it can handle. I’ve been down that road and it’s empty. At the end of the day everyone wants someone they can hold or be held by. Plus, I dislike users. I dislike hypocrites more even though it’s easier to become the latter.

Of course there’s always time. Time changes everything, right?  Time sucks.

By all means call me delusional but in my defense let me say that when I had the chance to say what I felt or even act on it, I didn’t. Why didn’t I? Why? And get this, it’s been so long that I have been harboring feelings for my right hand that I now fear, if I ever were to have the opportunity to fulfill my desire, I wouldn’t do it. What if it doesn’t work and we can’t even be friends? What if it does work and I lose all my inspiration? See how twisted the ropes in my mind turn?

At any rate, I’m just thinking out loud. These are thoughts and questions I have had for going on 6 years (wow six years, that’s the longest I have committed to anything).

What I am sure about is that I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to use anyone. I do want to be loved. And reasonably, I understand at some point I will meet someone who fulfills me the way my right hand does now. Or at least the way the idea of them does. I guess if the tables of communication were more open with my right hand I could talk to them about what I feel but I never know when the time is right so I just wait for them to ask or inquire and alas they do not. Can’t blame them really.

My left hand sits in pain and I hate they have to hurt because of my indecision. I try to keep the line open for them to ask or say whatever they need to. I accept being the bad guy, it’s not a new role for me.

I wish I had a poem to end these thoughts but I’m just not that good.

Conversations over tea

As we speak
I listen close for what I want to hear
Bad habit
from years of longing
I am content with right now
if tomorrow has us at odds
But every now and again
as we speak
I listen close for what I want to hear

Setting the Foundation

I went to visit my house today. I am very nervous about this whole ‘homeowner’ bit. Primarily because I hate my job. Although I am excited about the future owning my own home holds. I moved around alot as a child. The longest we ever stayed in one place was 6 years. So the idea of having this very small plot of life thats mine intrigues me. I mean, its not my final home. I may sell it in a few years or I may grow old and raise my neices and nephews there. (If my sister ever has any.) D, my best friend, and I have already decided to have Dinner Thursday nights. And I’m sure we’ll have game nights and so on there as well. 

Except for a sketchy period in my senior year of High School, I have always had a place to stay but never a home. Even in my apartments it always felt temporary so I never invested much to creating the home environment. 

I think a large part of that is having my mom finally settled. Now that she is settled and in a home of her own, I feel comfortable enough to find my own space. 

I should close on the house sometime this week. I went by today and it looks like they are done with pretty much everything. People ask me since I don’t plan on having kids what am I going to do with all that space? I have no answer for them other than to live and love. Isn’t that what home is for?