My little sister came to me last night about her job. One of my friends is a manger where she works and happens to be gay. My sister is a DEVOUT Christian and feels that this is utterly disgusting. Last night she tells me about how she sees girls sitting on my friends lap and finds this repulsive. Why, I ask. Because its unnatural. To which I ponder, what is natural?
Tonite I walk in after a very emotional evening and she stops me in my tracks.
“They think I’m gay,” she says.
“And,” I say.
“So what? What’s the problem?””
“I don’t want to be associated with that.”
“Well tell them you are straight.”
“I did but not everyone believes me.”
And they never will.
I can not put into the words the agony attached to trying to prove to every person you encounter who you are and why you are. I understand that at 20 she has some maturing to do. I also understand that the older she gets the more settled into her prejudice she may become.
We all have an innate desire to be understood and accepted. We all deserve that right. My beliefs are mine and though your lifestyle may go against what I believe is it not style your life?
I have called a few things disgusting and repulsive in my day but to my recollection it has always been in reference to food or frogs.
“Why am I never good enough?” The words probably would have never registered had I not uttered them before under similar circumstances. The sentence that followed, echoed, “love is hard.” We make it hard. We want to hold on to what we feel strongest for, quite naturally. I believe it takes courage to let love move on. Because when love is right, you won’t question it or long for it or hurt from it.
The person that loves me is hurting right now because I can not give them the love they desire in return. I can not give it because I am still holding on to love for someone else who has someone else. Hopefully, at some point one of us will break the chain. Unfortunately, it will not be me.
Writing for me is a freeing experience. But, reading, now reading is a completely different animal. I tend to gain inspiration from reading. I look for other poets here on myspace to see what messages they send, the classics and so forth. Its funny that my family spent so much time agonizing over what gift to buy me this Christmas when really a heart felt letter would have sufficed. I look for stuff like that. A nice letter in my post office box from a friend or note from a secret admirer, things like that are intriguing to me.
I say this because I am often curious what my blog does for others. Mostly the things I write are truly for self serving purposes; testers, if you will, to see how a poem feels or what emotion it sparks. The excitement of knowing its live for all to see is also a thrill. There is always the possibility that someone could think its piffle or poetry but, I’m always curious if the reader is getting anything.