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I rarely get headaches but today I can barely open my eyes because it feels like an army of men or sit in my frontal lobe stomping around. My forehead is getting heavier and heavier and the only thing that makes me feel better is to put my head down and close my eyes, which is exactly what I can not afford to do right now.

Admittedly it is not an army stomping around in more head but rather fear. Yes, fear. Off a fluke I went to see a commercial realtor about a piece of property that would be fairly decent to run a bookstore in. The next day he called me to say he had spoken with the owners and they loved what I was trying to do and he would like to meet with me this weekend (as in now) to put the lease in my hand.

Let’s be clear, true the inside needs work but they are wiling to give me tenant improvement dollars to fix it up. It’s $12/square foot (4000 in all), I’m getting it for less. One month deposit and immediate rental with a three year lease. The location after some elbow grease would be prime if for no other reason than it is in the heart of downtown and business type A personalities love to stay abreast to the world they believe to be theirs and the next closest bookstore to downtown is across town (plus for Klassics <- name came to me about three months ago). Their are three schools, one high school and two colleges, within bus riding distance from me as well. And open mic poetry nights are becoming bigger and bigger events here, I would become the host spot.

So, what the hell is the problem Dew? I have no money. None I mean nada, well not nada but none. Nothing, not $3000 for the deposit or $3000 for the first month. I have no money for inventory or equipment or construction but I do have enough money for the new Mortal Kombat coming out tuesday. Although in the business plan I am forcing my way through I know down to the washers in the sink that would be in the coffee spot on the left side of the store, how much money I need. But my credit is on its death bed and I mean that literally. Who would give me $100, 000 to open this store?

Hence the fear. I believe that everything happens for a reason but what was my reason for seeing that realtor? I knew I didn’t have the money when I met him, walked through that building and started picturing where I could place everything. This realtor didn’t know me from Adam and believes that I can pull this off (his need for a sell not withstanding). He was impressed that I knew all the right questions to ask. He was impressed with the plans I had for the store, plans I had never actually heard until they came out of my mouth at that moment.

I work full time as a Small Business Consultant is that a coincidence or preparation? Sunday I will be the guest poet at an event where the organization that requested my services have never heard me read. They know nothing of me other than my book but I have 45 minutes of their undivided attention. Shit normally just falls in my lap like that I guess that is why I am ill prepared to make the moves I need to in order to get this ball rolling. Have I mentioned that I hate my job, I don’t care how they dress up the title when it comes down to it I am simply a glorified Sales Rep. I think the fact that I know I want to spend the rest of my life writing is starting to get to me and job dissatisfaction is now impending. Everyday is another day to question where is my life headed and will you achieve your dreams sitting in this chair answering these calls for another company.

I was watching Def Poetry Jam last Sunday and the first poem was entitled Basic Economics and it all made sense but what touched me was this “…Bill Gates did not stake all that cake sitting around waiting on a promotion.” I have not ever aspired to be Bill-Gates-rich but I do want to be comfortable enough that whether I have enough funds to keep a place to stay would be the least of worries or more like no worry at all.

I am not naive, owning a bookstore or any business for that matter is an arduous task, I understand that but normally I succeed at such tasks. I also know that I have age working against me. Though I can be presented well on paper not having a degree is working against me. My credit is definitely working against me and I have no collateral or personal investment other some equipment.

I know what inventory and equipment I need, some of which I already own (full scale copier, fax, etc). I’m looking in to point of sales and security systems the most reliable and economic being top on my list. I know the area because I’ve lived here all my life and worked here most of it as well. I’ve been selling goods since I was nine, I’m not worried their. So why does asking for a loan when I am a female minority seem to be such a problem for me right now?

Because at least right now yes is still a possibility, once you’ve heard no, what’s left of your dream?

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