I have been bogged down with the process of being me (not to mention school and work). Currently I am helping my mom work on a project… ok screw that I have more important things in mind. There are two people not in my life that I miss but I am absolutely to hard headed to approach tham about it. Let me clear this up first. 1) I dont have many people in my life for a reason 2) I am tad bit anti social and generally, stupidity and miscommunication upsets pisses me off 3)I enjoy solitude and people who understand me and understand that when I care for them my anti social ways take a back seat to quality time with them.
Having cleared that up. I haven’t spoken to two friends (and no I do not use the term loosely) in almost two months. The fact that it has been two months for both of them is strictly coincidental. One, the guy, I do not expect to hear from and though I miss him, it is best that we do not ever speak again. Its one of those situations where we crossed boundaries and it did not work out for the best. Therefore the space is necessary in order for us not to be continuous distractions to each others’ lives. The fact that he has moved to another state aids our issue tremendously.
The girl, on the other hand, is a different story. I bought her a Christmas gift already. One I can’t return. *****Below is a revealing account of how shallow I can be. If superficiality, stubborness and obsessive compulsive behavior erodes your every nerve than you should stop reading here*********************** Now my problem begins that I have every intention of giving her these gifts. But I physically can not give them to her. How shoddy would it be for me to mail them or send them thru her bestfriend (an issue we will address later). I do not know what is going on where she is (in life) or what she has gone thru. I remain concerned for her and her well being as well as her family although she would more than likely beg to differ.
***Sidenote: I am a very objective person that does not mean I do not recognize fault I just dont think fault and judgement go well together. For example, I may think of you as an ass and in most cases I will find a very polite non-threatening way to in fact let you know: you are an ass. That does not mean I am judging you in the sense of saying you are an ass and I am not, quite the opposite. Most things I spot in other people only because I have witnessed them first in myself. Hopefully you are keeping up because this rides makes no stops for pick ups, jump on where you can and jump off when you can no longer keep up. Ironically, thats my life as well. ***********
I can only explain my end of the story as I understand it since she will not allow me to understand hers. But I pissed hurt her with a post about her religion here on my blog. Reminder: My Blog – where I release, almost a diary of sorts. A place where I can come and share these thoughts with myself if noone else. Mind you we have had similar issues with an online diary but I digress. Now what gets me is that she is hella (yes hella) passive-aggressive. Meaning instead of actually admitting that what she read hurt her she simply avoided the situation altogether. You know what I do not feel like kicking a dead horse just understand: there were issues.
At any rate the way things goes is that she gets hyper withdrawn and normally I would take the high road and not let her have it (slanguage: coddle her out of withdrawal). Sidenote 2: Mind you as I type this my mind asks what if she reads this? I take another chance of further pissing hurting her and by my continuance of explanation does it imply I do not care? No, but I feel the need to release these feelings, that is the purpose of expression. I safeguarded as much as I could in this friendship I can give no more than you ask for. You asked for nothing. I, on the other hand, asked for plenty: respect, understanding, honesty, truthfulness and inclusion to name a few. All these I assumed were a silently stated part of friendship.
Which leads me to question why do I invest so much effort in salvaging this friendship? Because I care and that is enough for me. All it takes is caring. I believe (strongly I mightly add) that when you care for someone there is no such thing as abandoning them. On the downside of that it takes an act of congress for me to care. I mean care, not like you, not adore you, not concern myself with you, not think you are nice, not think you are smart, not think you are okay, I mean care for you in the genuine since of family and friendship.
********* If you have made it this far you deserve a cookie************
What is the point of all this incoherent dribble? I miss my friends both of them. And such is life when the opportunities and instances get in the way of enjoying this existence and sharing it with people you are bonded to, despite the reason you are bonded to them. We only have purpose here when we create purpose so there is no reason to sit dormant and not grab every chance to live and love.
Funny I can see that and yet I still have not made any attempt to rectify my situations which leaves me conflicted, convicted and utterly hypocritical.