My father passed away on January 17, 2000 five days after I turned 21. My mother and I knew neither the cause nor the reason because that is how my father was. He believed his problems were just that, his, to bare and struggle with. He could not bare the feeling of loading his problems off on other people. His name was Atlas; any of you familiar with Greek mythology knows the character Atlas carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, as did my father.
I am the clone of my father in the female form. We were both conceited, arrogant, we walked the same, we talked alike even our handwriting is similar and like him I believe my problems are mine. To discuss them with someone is to give that person power over my weaknesses in the end. I promised my mother as well as myself I would open up more because sharing believe it or not is a necessity.
In relation to Harvey’s question of happiness sharing is pertinent.
Because I couldn’t be happy without sharing apart of myself with others, no relationship could survive with both people being closed-ends. Maybe I should explain.
I had my own personal trials with searching for happiness. I thought I could find it within other people, within money, within friends, but I could not be happy until I was satisfied with myself. I moved out of my mother’s house, got a job I really didn’t need, surrounded myself with men and friends and still cried at night because there was always something wrong.
After my father’s death I secluded myself. I stuck my head in every book possible, I didn’t call anyone, I didn’t see anyone mainly because I wanted no one to see me. And one day I arrived. I arrived at a stage where I was not afraid I wasn’t afraid to tell complete strangers my most intimate secrets because they can not hurt me, wasn’t afraid to be myself, to open myself up completely because I realize it is your problem if you don’t accept me. That is perfectly fine because I’m happy with myself if no one ever accepts me, I accept me.
So to answer your question Harvey, when I close my eyes I see the universe because that is just how wide my future is. I have been truly blessed with the opportunities of a lifetime and I didn’t have to alter anything about my person for anyone to cater to me.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being loved, as long as you are not compensating for loving yourself.